What I've learned, part deux

I think there could be 1001 parts, but I'll stop eventually.

LIFE IS PRECIOUS.

Last week there was an article in the newspaper about an abortion doctor killing babies with scissors after they were born alive as part of late-term abortion. I couldn't read the article. It made me vomit a little in my mouth. I cannot have more children and would have gladly cared for one that was killed.

I once saw, but could never find again, a row of grave markers in Woodland Cemetery and Arboretum (an old hangout of mine) with the names of five or six girls - the entire family's children. Can you imagine giving birth to five healthy girls, ages 5, 7, 8, 12 and 15, all to die of influenza. I cannot wrap my mind around that kind of devastation.

Alutiiq photographs from the early-19th century sometimes show a deceased relative in his/her coffin - one I saw of a precious little girl about Abby's age. Many people who have lost a child or children. I cannot imagine that just because you have 5 children and loose 1 that the pain is any less than only having one and losing that one. To think of Abby's immortality is difficult.

When I was 15, I lost my first boyfriend. Although he had broken up with me, who could blame him, I was devastated. I won't go into detail, but I have lost several friends and a good deal of my family. Death has been challenging for me to come to terms with.

In Cincinnati, news stories of people being shot for a pizza, $1.00, or just nothing except to prove one's tough and ruthless nature are all too commonplace. To have such disregard for fellow man is a tragedy. To treat people cruelly, or even just to dismiss them because of your own shortcomings, is abhorrent.

I have learned to try to treat every creature (everything) with all the amount of patience, forgiveness, and courtesy I can afford. If I have a problem with someone, I am not going to just abandon the relationship, shut them out of what is just as rightfully theirs, and treat them with dismissive disdain, such as some horrid people I know. "Oh dear" indeed. (Part three I guess will be about loving all people....)

I am grateful for all that I have, which is a lot; I try to cherish each moment, for I am not going to get them back; and to respect others, even when they piss me off. Somehow living in a bubble so no can can hurt me sounds easier, but most likely I would just choke on the air.

What I've learned, part 1

I have been thinking about how I have changed, what I still need to do, and thought maybe if I wrote it down, it would help.

In my thinking and behavior, I have done about a 120 (at least I think I have. 180 degree turn around being sainthood.) I am no Saint, nor will I ever be ;), but I have made changes to me so that I can be a better person - friend, co-worker, mom, etc. Still have to work on the friend part, as I spend 99.999% at work or with Abby.

Anyway, I will start with being mom, as Abby is the most important and ebullient aspect of my existence. The 14 weeks of parenting classes are winding down. Just one more to go, and then once a month for a couple months. I have learned so much, and although I feel like not sharing it with you because I am the one who sat through the classes and you get the condensed version, which seems unfair, I will impart the gist of it all.

I have learned about positive reinforcement (Good job getting in your care seat quickly!);

Positive practice (making Abby say "May I please have playdoh?" rather than whine and yell);

Communicating feelings and requests in a positive manner, concisely and clearly; and also how to administer positive rewards or penalties (Abby please pick up your toys. 5 secs. Abby, I need you to pick up your toys. 5 secs. Abby, I feel frustrated because you are not cleaning up your mess. 5 secs. Abby, if you do not clean up your toys, I will take away your__/time out. Tantrum. Ignore. Tantrum over. Let's take a break, and be quite for one minute. Whining. I will start your 1 minute over. Whining. Increase to 2 minutes. Ok, you are ready to be quite. Time-out over. Toys up. Next, Abby_fill in blank__e.g. colors. Awesome, you did a fantastic job coloring that horse!)

Although this is supposed to be so Abby grows up happy and healthy, I feel like I am more considerate and well-behaved. Kids do learn from example.

There is more, but that's enough for now.

Smile

Snow melt

6 inches of snow, plus 2 + 2 + 1 +2 + 7 inches, minus sweeping off car times 7, shoveling stairs 6 times, divided by 2 white knuckle drives to daycare and grocery store, plus a taxi ride to daycare/work this morning = TOO MUCH SNOW!!! (for not having a 4 wheel drive truck)

Last night, I stopped by Safeway to pick up a prescription, and Abby just melted. Absolute full on melt down. I tried to soothe her by getting her chocolate and some super delicious non-Naval oranges they have right now (YUM!), but she just was crying and whining and hitting etc. etc. I was real patient. Sometimes I get very frustrated, to the point I am gritting my teeth, but I have been in general more patient lately, even dealing better with Shawen's recent constant rudeness. I was gentle with her, despite the fact that 30 people were staring at us (I think they were, I was keeping my head down!). We finally made it through the check out, right after she took off her hat and coat and threw it on the floor, and as we were heading out the door, a woman came up to me and said what a good mom I am. I said thank you, but kind of stood there dumbfounded, possibly with my jaw hanging open, because I just did not expect that. It made my night! Thank you kind lady!

Weekend fun

Sunday was a great day. We did not do the usual Church and swimming, and rather than explain why, I'll just tell you about our fantastic day.

First, Abby got to play with her friend from the daycare she is no longer going to. They have known each other for awhile, so Abby was invited over. They were so excited to see each other. They gave each other a HUGE hug. The provider admitted that her and the other little girl together are just combined trouble! She said they definitely should not hang out in high school!

I went and dealt with stupid stuff, and then squeezed in a quick ten minute visit to the beach. The sun, oh glorious sun!

I picked Abby up and had to take her to the playground to get her to leave. Oh sun, glorious sun!

After an interlude and lunch, I crashed out and slept. Fat and happy nap!

Then by the time I got up, Abby went down for a nap, so I took a walk to say goodbye to Mr. Sun.

Finally. we went to see Tangled. I was excited about the popcorn and candy, but best of all was the warm fuzzies. Abby sat in my lap and I enjoyed her smile, laughter, warmth, soft hair and skin, her smell, ok, bare with me, it was fuzzy warm snuggliness. I was not the only one with feelings. Shawen started to tear up at the end! He wondered if took his meds right, but chalked it up to the fact that the movie was really good. Hee hee.

Pictures later.

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint.
I do not feel ashamed.
I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.

I despise this song, but the lyrics alone, I guess almost any woman would get!

Starring

Starring at the Alutiiq Museum

Leak

There is a fuel leak at my house, and I can't stay there. It's been going on for awhile, but no one could really figure out what was going on. At this point, as the entire house reeks. There is an obvious leak. The tank is probably leaking and running in over the slab. Anyway, I can't stay there. So where do I stay? With Shawen.

Shawen and I go up and down. There are good times, but we get to a point where we decide, you know, let's not do this anymore, and then something happens - I hurt my back, get sick for two months, etc. Is this a sign we are supposed to be together or a sick joke?

We love each other, but argue and miscommunicate too much. We have been getting along sooo much better this past year, but definitely not enough. I say it's him, he's says it's me. He says she says.... It's him. It's my blog, I can do that.

It seems like something is always going on, in one way or another. Fuel leak now, Abby got kicked out of daycare last week. Yep, for real. Her and another little girl where ganging up and causing havoc. The daycare provider blamed Abby. Abby can be challenging. Her behavior is sometimes extreme, but she is 3. She is just getting to know her emotions. I think her being ousted is more a reflection of the provider (I can think of another situation this applies to in regards to myself and being booted). This provider is better with 4+ years. Some providers are all about babies, babies, babies. Some providers only take kids older than 2. This one is really good for preschool age. Anyway, it meant a quick change to yet another daycare. She is back at a Spanish speaking one. Abby says the provider is nice and she definitely seems to have fun. The only problem is that once again there is NO structure. Hopefully when Shawen figures out his school schedule, we can get her into preschool environment again, if of course, his schedule allows for that. Long story...

Kind of feels like my brain is leaking out my ears!

My dreams last night were devastating.

I really want to cry.

I just don't understand what I did that could warrant such cruelty.

Sweet Revenge

I recently read Sweet Vengeance by Kat Martin. I grabbed it off the shelf of the Fisherman's church on Thanksgiving for 50 cents, just based on the title. I think is in the genre of Romance novels, or perhaps erotic, but I think I'll just call it chick porn. It has romance, betrayal, the lovers finally actually talking and realizing their misunderstanding, and oh yes, lots of graphic sex. I read this tawdry novel in four days.

New Year's resolution: Smile.

Sometimes simple is the hardest. Why have a resolution? Well, everyone could probably use some improvement. Why this one? Studies indicate smiling not only benefits you, but others as well. Other, more trivial resolutions, or goals, like buying a pair of expensive running shoes and spending countless hours away from my family to train for a marathon, seems abundantly selfish.

After a New Year's party. We got home and celebrated Pacific time new year with California, et al.

Abby with her tea set.

and it's all ice...

They assembled. I laid on the couch.

Christmas day

One of the funnest parts of Christmas day was going on a walk. Very atypically of Kodiak, we have snow, like actual semi-fluffy white stuff. Normally it just turns to slush, quickly followed by ice. This year, so far, it has remained in its original form. The trails are quite nice, not icy at all. The snow is also still clinging to the trees, which is likewise unusual, as it often just blows off.

Candy and a box

Kids are funny. You never know what they will like. Abby's favorite gifts were candy, a box she can stuff herself in, and glittery red shoes.

Abby inherited her love of boxes from Lucky, who enjoyed curling up in them, or scratching them, depending on his mood.

Advent calendar

Love the nose wrinkles!

Bell ringing

So, what is Christmas really about? Many others have answered this, so I will not repeat, but I will say what has been important for me this year. Obviously, Abby. Beyond my darling stinky, we all volunteered to ring the bell for the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army has helped Shawen, Abby, and I immensely, in many different ways. To give back, we rang the bell once a week for several weeks and raised about $250. That's a lot of dimes, quarters, and dollars.

It was great to see how responsive most Kodiakians are to the bell ringing. I was often surprised to see who would drop in some spare change. Teenagers, fishermen, all walks of life. The money that we helped raise goes towards operating not just the church, but transitional housing, food bank, the thrift store, the facility itself which is used for Al-Anon, AA, and other meetings, etc. The Salvation Army is called an army because they work to help people, not just preach! It is not about just attending service once a week, but reaching out to the community to make a tangible (and I guess intangible) difference.

Insane surfer at Mill Bay beach on Christmas Eve morning.

The weather outside was frightful, and the air only mildly delightful!

We went to four holiday parties last weekend. I brought my camera, but only took one photo. I tell myself before I leave that I will take photos, as people pictures are good, and showing good times is good. However, I always end up being too timid to get in people's face and start snapping away.

Love coming here at night at low tide. It's fun creepy. It was very drippy and slushy this night. I was very glad I went on a walk.

Date Night

Through a series of miscommunications, Abby and I ate dinner at Henry's together by ourselves. It was a lot of fun. She actually was well-behaved, until the very end when she started smacking our neighbor in the head with her hat. A smile, I'm sorry, and Merry Christmas healed all injury.

Anchorage

A few weeks ago I went to Anchorage to see a neurologist about my back. I haven't written about it because it was not good news. The trip to Anc. was great. I stayed with a friend, which was great. I got to meet her family, and it was nice not staying in a hotel. I also attended a paper tear repair workshop. I was planning on going up, and then saw that the workshop was being offered, so I went a day early and got one more skill under my belt!

Back to the back - I have a degenerating bulging disc. The bulge, if it was giving me leg pain, could be "fixed". The degenerative part, cannot be. He recommended fusion, which is a major surgery. I have proven I do not do well with surgery. It would take the average person 6 weeks to heal. It would take me 6 months, if it didn't kill me (literally)!

What does this mean? Well, I cannot have more children (between the complicated C-section and the disc, no go). Unless that has been taken away from you, you cannot imagine how it feels. And I have guarenteed pain in my future.

Merry Christmas

I hope your holidays are snuggly warm!

Last Ones

Last ones for the season. I finished this year and will be moving on to the next...

This was my first wall piece - the ones that exploded! It was supposed to be three tiles, joined together to make a vertical Japanese style scroll. I learned a lot just doing this one tile.

An octopus? That was what was suggested, which really has my mind turning for my next production set.

That's not what this was about though. I took the perfect classic form and added the crazy handles and patterns to represent the complexity of the universe, which at times seems like perfect order, and at other moments complete chaos.

Tis the season

Tis the season to be joyful. Potty learning, wow, that was easy. I didn't have to do a thing really. I was dreading cleaning poopy out of the princess potty. I never had to. I thought for sure there would be lots of accidents, and there was only a few. I thought for sure it would take effort. Besides saying"good job Abby," I didn't exert myself at all. Nice. I owe it all to the amazing and magnificent, incredibly intelligent and beautiful, the most awesomely awesome human on earth, Miss Abigail.

She loves looking at this blog by the way. She likes seeing pictures of herself. Understandable.

Orpheum Theatre

Piugta said the camera took good pics in low light. You're oh so totally wrong, it takes GREAT pics in low light. The top one was without a flash. Thay may look like it's light out, but it's dark. Barely a hint of light left. It was about 5pm. (I even caught Rusty taking a smoke break.)