I saw the movie Garden State. It had me laughing with a slight fuzzy feeling and a pinch of woe.

I have been swimming lately - twice a week for a few weeks now. Although I have been doing yoga for over a year now, that what looked like a four month preggers stomach pooch was not going away (boo hiss). In these few weeks it has shrunk to a two month pooch. Thank goodness. It's not only a great workout, but great fun. I hope baby's daddy let's me continue. He likes to admire my body, so I think he will :)

Third day of sunshine in 2010. YES, THIRD. Didn't get out in it. By the time I picked up Abby, got gas, and made it to Mission beach, the sun dipped behind Pillar Mtn.

I did learn though that Mission at low tide will be good in the evenings, I think, later this summer. Being so far north, the sun position changes drastically in the sky from winter to non-winter. In winter (which btw, we have not had winter here at all! 40 and cloudy for months), the sun does a little tiny arc super low in the sky just above the horizon (a barely discernible blip). In non-winter, the sun travels from way over from one side of the sky, to all the way to the far opposite side super high in the sky. Very different from Ohio, where although detectable, no where near as extreme.

On a different note, we had our performance evaluations at work. The first line of my eval is humorously true:

Marnie's greatest asset remains her doggedness and ability to independently tackle and complete large projects........................

Doggedness, hmm, yep.

A little deer walked through our parking lot today, in the middle of the day.

(What was it doing?!)

I learned quite a bit at today's exhibits and mount making workshop. It was hands-on experience. Most exciting - I got to play with a torch! Ok, just soldering, but still invigorating in comparison to some lackluster days.

Also, I learned more about appropriate materials to use. I already know a lot already, but the ASM guys showed pictures of exhibits gone wrong. For example, when regular plywood is used for exhibit cases how the objects on display corrode from the off gassing of formaldehyde, such as guns or an azimuth thingamabober.

The curator of exhibits also talked a lot about mannequins. I payed attention, because although making mannequins is no where on my horizon, it may be and I just don' t know it yet. I guess he's really good at paining mannequin faces, you know, like trying to make a young white boy look Japanese.

#$x%x^&x^!"^*( !!!!!!

Sultry diva?!

Clair thinks I am a sultry diva. Not sure about that, but I'll take it!

I was all of 17.

Ah, a random video of Abby being spectacularly cute - not quite! This is the fourth of four takes of this skit.

She was playing with these fabulous vintage heels and being so cute I decided to get a video. I showed her the video and she thought it was really neat that we were recording, so we did several takes. We even had lines, cues, and whatnot.

At the end where she is saying more, more, more, she is indicating she wants to review our footage and see if we need another take.

Sundays and Mondays are full of reminders. Sundays are self-explanatory. If Abby and I go anywhere on Monday, despite the fact she knows not about the days of week (she must have an internal clock), she asks. You know what she asks.
I must look like I'm a ghost when she says it. She says, "sad?" I smile and say "no, happy." She smiles back.
Still hurts.

See if you can guess which excerpt is from Pride and Prejudice, which from Eclipse, and which from US magazine:

Ever since I said goodbye to Jacob in the forest, I'd been plagued by a persistent, uncomfortable intrusion of a specific mental picture. It popped into my thoughts at regular intervals like some annoying alarm clock set to sound every half hour, filling my head with the image of Jacob's face crumpled in pain. This was the last memory I had of him.

As the disturbing vision struck again, I knew exactly why I was dissatisfied with my liberty. Because it was incomplete.

Sure, I was free to go anywhere I wanted - except La Push; free to do anything I wanted - except see Jacob. I frowned at the table. There had to be some kind of middle ground.

"I have been used to consider poetry as the food of love," said Darcy.

"Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes which is strong already. But it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I am convinced one good sonnet will starve it entirely away."

"The best possible thing you can get out of a relationship is that you're with somebody who encourages you to be...the best version of yourself."

I think the operative words above are be yourself. If you prefer vegetables over chicken, then the person should be able to accept that; if you have a compulsion to clean the sink everyday, that's ok too; and if you like to be choked out and bleepity bleep bleep, then that should be very well indeed. But hey, therapy will "fix" that right? A little mental neutering.

Pride and Prejudice is slightly hard reading. There are quite a few words and complex sentences that make me stumble. Thank goodness someone gave me a dictionary recently. I have the heavy two parts sitting by my chair, reaching for them all too often.

I read one chapter three times to understand the nuances of Darcy and Lizzie's conversation. I knew it would be important at the end. Sometimes it's the pronunciation, sometimes it's the meaning. Here's a small list from just the first 60 or so pages:

mien

effusion

propitious

implacable

iniquitous

obsequiousness

supercilious

One finds a bit of truth about human nature in Austen's work:

"Affectation of candor is common enough; - one meets it everywhere. But to be candid without ostentation or design.....is rare indeed."

Gossip bitch.

Look familiar?

Petite figure, sweet bark, will have you begging for treats,

and make you feel guilty afterwards.

And although the plane did not crash into a side of mountain, I still despise traveling by air, and have not much interest in traveling on water. I prefer Nunakuarluni, walking overland. I saw some lovely spots just north(?) of Port Lions. Of course, it was lovely from the air. ha.

Larsen Bay

I walked around the cannery for a few minutes. Pretty neat-o.

I stayed with a lovely elder couple. I stayed in one of their children's former rooms. It was kind of left the way she left it, even with the skeleton thing that freaked me out! They were really nice, and I am very glad I stayed with a family rather than at a lodge, despite the fact I did not get to banya (or shower, no hot water there). I am way too used to getting to bath daily! Really, it is an excessive luxury, but by the time I got back, I was sooo ready for a shower.

This is the old Baptist church. There used to be way more people in Larsen Bay. We have one image collection from the 1960s that shows hordes of kids at this church. Now, there are only 13 kids in the KIBSD school. In the winter, the population drops to about 50-60, in the summer it swells to abo. 400 with all the cannery workers, lodges, hunters, etc.

I asked about community events and recreation, because I go stir crazy in Kodiak sometimes. Some of the residents do seem very bored. They watch a lot of TV and play on the computer. Some of them have never been to the museum, and that bums me out. However, I made a good impression. One step at a time the museum is building trust. Having a good relationship with the community is important, and it can be difficult, but I think when people see our enthusiasm and hard work, they appreciate that, whether a staff member is Alutiiq or not.

I was really happy I got to see the Russian Orthodox church. In this pic you can see the earth (dirt/rocks) to hold the candles. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. I was there on the Catholic Ash Wednesday, which means I missed service again, but lately I have been going to the Salvation Army. I really enjoy it. It starts with singing, for which I am insistent Abby stays in the room, and then she runs back to play with the toys in the kids room. Anyway, everyone is very welcoming. One thing though is that they do not do communion, which of course being raise Catholic, strikes me as odd. I suppose it is not necessary to worship God, I am just so used to the regimented Catholic services. The Salvation Army service is way funner and much more relaxed.

Old cemetery.

Views of the cannery.

These ladies were lovely - Clyda and Annie (mom and daughter). Clyda is 90! Notice the icon corner behind them.

Again, building rapport here. Because of my visit Clyda decided to donate her archaeological collection to the museum. It will be VERY useful for the community because, as it is a family collection rather than owned by a gov. agency or tribe, we can accept it as a donation and use and share it freely. Most of the collections here on on loan to us, as our name implies - repository. Their use comes with quite a few restrictions.

Epiphany II

I saw the movie Secretary.

Abby and I chased the sun to Pasagshak, where we spent a lovely two hours at the beach. It was very high tide. I forgot to check the tide before we left. Of course there is always beach, but where I normally like to sit was under 20 feet of violently crashing waves. At one point a rouge wave almost swept Abby away, well, it felt like that when it came over the sand berm we were sitting on. It got her pretty good, but she had so many layers on she stayed dry.

Nothing like chocolate and heart stickers.

I read an anonymous Valentine message in the paper to Goku from Plarp! Just urban dictionary "plarp" and google Goku if you don't know who that is. I wonder who that is from / to? From a man to a girl of vice versa? Technically, Goku is male, but I can't imagine a girl calling herself plarp. Inquiring minds want to know. I am so nosy.

Abby and I went to the St. Innocent Academy's folk dance tonight. It was so much fun. We dance and danced. They decorated the gym so nicely it didn't look like a gym. They even had great lighting of all things (instead of the horrid gym lights).
The first 45 minutes were fun because it was just dancing, but then the dances came with 10 minute instructions, which is great to be able to learn the steps to such dances as the troika, just not for impatient Abby. By the time they got to a slow waltz Abby was over it, she just wanted to dance. We did one last fast dance and split.
It reminded me of the Greek festival back home. It also had that fun one-big-happy-family festival vibe.

Going ons

I like to read the Public Safety Blotter in the paper. For you outsiders, we actually have a newspaper. It' s not very newsy, and really I just read the comics, the Blotter, and Thursday horoscope. Anyway, yes, when you call the police or State Troopers, or whenever they do something, it appears in the paper. For example:

Thursday, Feb. 4

At 1:31am a 911 call was received about two deer in the parking lot at El Chicano. Officers determined that the deer were not posing a traffic hazard as they were on the lawn of the Kashevaroff apartments.

Ok ya'll, this is "downtown" main street Kodiak!

Mostly, the blotters are often like this:

Sunday, Feb. 7

At 5:09pm a person called to report a man exiting a store in an indecent state and urinating on himself. .............

Even more often in the summer, it is about a bear in a trash can, and unfortunately all too often, as in the case of last week's, it was mostly domestic violence.

Now, no names or mentioned, but they often describe locations and cars, and it is EASY to figure out who is involved. And of course later, if a person is charged, their name appears in the "In the Courts" section.

Life in Kodiak is indeed exciting. Can you imagine if they published this stuff in Cincy?! It would be the entire paper!

Speaking of work, as usual, there is some exciting projects on the horizon. The week of the 22nd, staff from the State Museum will be here for a mount making workshop as well as to review our exhibits, so we can assess mounting and display techniques and materials use from a conservation perspective, develop better ideas for mounting specific delicate pieces, and review the museum’s artifact rotation plan, among other things.

The ASM conservator/curator of museum services is particularly remarkable. He is always so abundantly helpful and will either have the answer to any question on hand, or will get that answer to you about pretty much any facet of the museum world. I should probably ask him the meaning of life or something, he might have that answer too.

The workshop is open to the public and we have invited other local museums. The other museums will also have a very rare opportunity to get a free review / question/answer session with the ASM staff.

We have these types of events happen all the time. I guess they are so "commonplace" for us, I forget they are not commonplace for most museums. The Alutiiq Museum is all about developing professionally. Our endeavor to be professional is one of the reasons we receive almost every grant we apply for, and we have a lot of grants, over 13 right now I believe. We also get masks from France, and a kayak from the Peabody, a $1,00,000 from the Rasmuson, and a whole bunch of stuff thanks to the alluring Dr. H. (must be the seal-like eyes, A'i ngia'aq). I think I can say with assurity that we are a prolific bunch. I think I have said it over and over again, but I get to do more and meet more people here, than I would if I got pigeon-holed in a position at the Smithsonian. That's why it's hard contemplating leaving here. Am I ready? There are positions in Am. Samoa and in OH that I have been thinking of applying for, but apparently I am not, simply because I am not ready to leave just yet, and I can't decide where I want to go - home?, Florida?, Samoa? I am not sure. So, I am staying put for now I think.

(And no, I am not breaking my arm here by telling you how great the museum is. It's not me, it's us as a team. And let me tell you what, we are all quirky. Learning to accept each other's eccentricity and getting along as a team is critical. Sometimes we blunder. I think that's human nature. Thank goodness, most of the time it all works out. Sometimes, people don't forgive, and that sucks.)

Epiphany

Happiness comes from the inside. Fun also is from the inside, not from external circumstances (like going someplace or doing something). You make it so. If you got those you love around you, then it's fun. It doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing. Somehow it took me 33 years, 3 months, and 15 days to figure this out.

I love you Miss Abby. You are very precious, and I am happy we have such a good relationship as of late. Same to you Mr. Brown, grandmum and grandads, aunts, sisters, friends, co-workers, et al.

I am scheduled to go to Larsen Bay again next week. Of course, in flight I will be a scardy cat, and if the plane should crash and I perish, for the record, I die happy and complete.

Deer burger bliss

Here's my recipe for delightful tacos or burritos. I ate four, yes four of these last night. Oink oink. I prefer flour tortillas and condiments of Martha-style salsa, "Mexican" sour cream as Safeway calls it, lettuce, a little fresh cilantro, tobasco, and perhaps a squeeze of lime. Sometimes I add jalapenos. I like guacamole, but not on my tacos, just plain on chips, with some extra lemon or lime.

Now I realize that these are a lot of ingredients. I particularly do not care for recipes that call for a lot of ingredients, because that more equals more $. However, we eat this so often and nothing goes to waste. I even freeze the leftover chicken broth to use in the next batch. Keep in mind, these days I eat what we get from the food pantry, so.....

2 tbs. veg. oil

1 small onion chopped

3 med. cloves garlic, minced

2 tbs. chili powder

1 tsp. ground cumin

1 tsp. ground coriander

1/2 tsp. dried oregano

1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper

salt to taste

1lb deer burger or at least 90% lean beef

1/2 tomato sauce

1/2 cup chicken broth

1 tsp. brown sugar

1 tsp. cider vinegar

Shawen cooks the onions in oil until clear, and then adds the spices, while in another pan browning beef. However, if using Piugta's ground deer, you can just add the deer after you cook the onions and spices. Again, brown the beef and drain off extra fat. Keep deer slightly pink and we actually added butter to fatten it up, so no need to drain.

After that add the wet ingredients. For beef, let it simmer for 20-30 minutes if you like. For deer, cook for a few minutes and remove from heat.

I feel fabulous btw. (now that I am not physically sick.) I was ill due to meds I was taking to feel better. Funny. Maybe I don't need them though. I'll see if my chipper-ness keeps up.

New Moon

Why am I posting excerpts from books? Well, I guess since this is my blog, not only can I do what I want (unless I hear otherwise), but I am chronicling for myself reminders of what it is I like, relate to, don't like, don't understand, etc.

The Twilight saga has in particular captured my attention. I had my head buried in so many history books for years, I actually have never read a novel even close to being similar before. I read as a child, skipped it except for Crowley and other weird stuff as a teen, and then went right to history, so, pleasure reading is relatively new. I don't post as many excerpts from, for example Amelia Peabody, because that is exactly what I expect myself to read - fancy language and all.

I am amazed when friends, e.g. MJ, tell me how good Twilight is. I saw the first movie, uh, ok, then saw the second, and I realized something, something about myself. I read the book, and am still amazed that this teenage vampire love story could not only be a movie, but widely popular! Hilarious. It's so over the top, even for me. To read so much angst is hard, but I kind of get it.

I can relate to the way Bella feels sometimes. She has physiological responses to Edward she can't ignore, and vice versa. Heart beating fast, uneven breathing, lightheadedness, things she can't comprehend. Without a choice, she just, falls. She can't even help it.

....................................

When he parked in front of my house, he reached over to take my hand. He touched me very carefully, pressing the tips of his fingers softy against my shoulder. "You should be in a good mood, today of all days," he whispered. His sweet breath fanned across my face.

"And if I can't be in a good mood?" I asked, my breathing uneven.

His golden eyes smoldered. "Too bad."

My head was already spinning by the time he leaned over and and pressed his icy lips against mine. My pulse was thudding in my ears. I put one hand over my heart. It drummed hyperactively under my palm.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" I wondered mostly to myself. "That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

"I really hope not," he said, a bit smug.

I rolled my eyes.

It was Jacob himself. Jacob was simply a perpetually happy person, and he carried that happiness with him like an aura, sharing it with whoever was near him. Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone was within his gravitational pull, Jacob warmed them. It was natural, a part of who he was. No wonder I was so eager to see him.

I always had nightmares now, every night. Not nightmares really, not in the plural, because it was always the same nightmare. You'd think I'd get bored after so many months, grow immune to it. But the dream never failed to horrify me, and only ended when I woke myself up with screaming.

My nightmare probably wouldn't even frighten someone else...... .......there had never been anything more than just this empty, dreary wood, and there would never be anything more for me, nothing but nothing.

I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now - if the pain would decrease to the point where I could bear it - I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure I would feel grateful for as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd asked for, more than I deserved. Maybe someday I would be able to see it that way.

But what if the hole in my chest never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible?

As if he'd never existed. What a stupid and impossible promise to make! He could never talk to me or see me again, but that didn't put things back the way they'd been before I'd met him. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition. Even my outsides looked different....But I was not beautiful, and I probably looked closer to a zombie.

Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you.

I'd been broken beyond repair.

(Charlie to Alice about Bella) "Now and then I see something in her eyes, and I wonder if I've ever grasped how much pain she's really in. It's not normal..... it frightens me. Not like someone.......left her, but like someone died." His voice cracked.

It was like someone had died - like I had died. Because it had been more than just loosing the truest of loves, it was also losing a whole future, a whole family.....

Charlie went on in a hopeless tone. "I don't know if she's ever going to get over it- I'm not sure if it's in her nature to heal from something like this. She's always been such a constant little thing. She doesn't get past things, change her mind."

"She's one of a kind," Alice agreed in a dry voice.

What a disaster. how could I have alienated him so completely in such a short amount of time?

"Can't I be friends with you both at the same time?" I asked, my voice not hiding an ounce of the hurt I felt.

He shook his head slowly.

"I do not like the way things are."

What if you sincerely believed something was true, but you were dead wrong? What if you were so stubbornly sure that you were right, that you wouldn't even consider the truth?

Time had not made me immune to the perfection of his face, and I was sure I would never take any aspect of him for granted. My eyes traced over his features........I saved his eyes for last, knowing that when I looked into them I was likely to lose my train of thought. Staring into his eyes always made me feel extraordinary - sort of like my bones were turning spongy. I was also a little lightheaded, but that could have been because I'd forgotten to keep breathing. Again.

Sick sick sick. Don't feel well.

In hindsight, I do have to add that the consequences are not totally just. Sharing feelings and being candidly honest should not be confused with being malign. I am a diligent professional and have volunteered for three years. If you can't realize my hard work and good intentions, then .......

Don't let her cute appearance fool you. Abby has most definitely hit her terrible two's. Tantrums and whining have significantly increased over the past few weeks.

Here's the latest piece I am working on. I love clay when it is leather hard. It has such a nice supple feel to it.

I really feel like I have 'somtin' going on now as far as my vision. I have my technique down (mostly), despite the fact it doesn't totally conform to what I had in mind. For example, the little sea creatures attached to the vase, in fact, the entire vase, should be very textured like this barnacle, but I have a hard time adding texture to those added pieces because I am so proud of my throwing skills - I can throw big, but I can also throw real small with my pinkies. So, once again vanity gets in the way.

New house

Shawen has a new pad, or "new house" as Abby says in her sweet little voice. It's better than I thought it would be. The kitchen's crap, and the bathroom has contact paper for wall paper, you know, the paper used to line drawers? It's, uh, very funky. Plenty of closet space for all of his tools (thanks begeez), and of course, it comes with 1979 furniture, which actually is quite functional. Oh, and the bathroom vanity and carpet throughout are very familiar, same as in my place, except his vanity is not rusted and has the deluxe light.

I saw a good kung-fu movie the other day. I normally do not get to watch movies, but power was out at work and I was sick with I guess a stomach bug, so TV veg was bliss. It was Iron Monkey.

I have another post(s) I am not posting. It involves apologies, groveling, explanations (a lot of soul searching as of late, I don't ever want to repeat loosing a friend, I've done it before, see below), begging, and quite a bit of grief-stricken prose, but for the sake of Shawen's sanity, and therefore mine, I am not posting it or any others. And really, I guess, I have to forget about the fact that my misguided admiration caused me to lose one of the major positive aspects of my life. I really miss that stinky dusty place (my dungeon away from my home dungeon), and I have more than a foreboding that I will never get to walk through the door again.

This is not the first friendship I turned to shit. I did it to Clair. And now, after God only knows how many years, Clair and I have found each other once again. I am overjoyed, yet curiously numb. Will I mess up again? I told myself no this time, and look what happened. I am three miles away and yet unfeasibly distant.

Clair is an amazing soul, and three days later I'm still kind of jarred that I could be so lucky as to be able to be some minute thought in her head.

The exhibit I curated last year, Orthodoxy in Alutiiq Life, finally made it on the museum's electronic exhibits section of the website. Thanks Amy for spending hours putting this sizable exhibit online!

See, I have worked on exhibits before, and thanks to Jill, our Exhibits Coordinator, who does like so much beyond that, the exhibit turned out beautifully. I have learned a lot about exhibit design/production by watching her.

http://alutiiqmuseum.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=703&Itemid=142

A display about Daniel Lee Harmon, an Alutiiq who died in the Vietnam War, is also online. He is a remarkable man to say the least. It's hard for me to think about it, so read it yourself:

http://alutiiqmuseum.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=612&Itemid=142