My parents called unexpectedly, way later than they normally do! They were enjoying 4th festivities and ran into Clair, and they called so we could talk. I haven't heard her voice in SO long. After a few minutes I could recognize it, but boy, twelve years and a signal 3,500 miles apart was difficult.
My dad's description of their encounter was so unexpected. He said it was like a movie scene, and he described Clair and how good she looks, and how she dresses looking like a 1930s starlet, and how it was just such a cool moment (It was a dramatic description. It's hard to describe in writing, but it was as if he just told me he is a Twilight fan or something). He went on to say how downtown was so vibrant and there were so many people about. It definitely made me yearn for home - a 4th actually hot, going to an outdoor swimming pool to cool off, etc.
I want to go somewhere closer. I am afraid of the violence, traffic, and silly things like that (for Abby's sake), but really it's a job. My position here is sooooooooooooo great. I get to do so much, where I actually feel like I make a contribution and have a REAL purpose, that finding a similar job is going to be extremely difficult. I could not just go be a registrar at another museum - I would be miserable!!!! I am not just a paper-pusher (yes, I do a lot of filing and data entry), but I do so many other cool things, that finding another job where I will be as happy is going to be hard. For example, and this is just one of many, right now I have been helping Amy edit a paper about our unprovenienced artifact agreement that is going to be published in AASLH's History News. I am very proud of this agreement. We took a difficult problem (how to legally accept archaeological specimens of unknown ownership) and found a solution. Federal agencies like the BLM, BIA, USCG, the state, the city, the borough, and native corporations signed this agreement. We are the only such museum in the country to do this (sorry, not sure if I talked about this before).
Anyway, hearing Clair reminded me to focus on the positive. I have a hard time with this sometimes. It's just, I try to do right (talk to me about this, I will tell you some of my schemes and you will realize that I acted much better than I thought about), I apologized, I even begged, I tried to resolve, but I have no control of other people's judgment, condemnation and subsequent discard of me, and that's hard. Likewise, these ups and downs are sometimes not up to me. I'm not saying I am not at fault, but I am reminded constantly and it sucks! But, focus on Clair, focus on MAYBE (I am stuck here ya know) being able to visit her and my family in FL, focus on all the positives.....like Abby's acting abilities. Today we pretended to play hide and seek (yes, you can pretend to play hide and seek), pretending to be scared of the fireworks, even pretending to rescue each other. So fun.

I just mental chaffed again didn't I? Damn. Better to get it out though then sink it in. I know my writing is not as composed as some other blogs I read, and granted I don't have to publicize chaff, but at least I bother to update and speak from the heart without inhibition. I do not need to try to make myself appear lackadaisical for the benefit of others. While the voice may sound sweet, it doesn't mean it's not manipulating you to the extreme. For example, two more kids. One is on the way already, right? I dreamt it.