Reasons why I am depressed (keep in mind this has been many years in the making):

1. I am missing my parents and family. My dad is going to have to have his knee replaced, right after retiring (finally). So instead of (finally) getting to do things he wants, he gets to have surgery. Still waiting for my mom, who works third shift and first shift to stop working. I of course at the age of 40 have no retirement plan. Likewise, my aunts could use some TLC. I have missed a lot these last ten years and want to be closer before we all die!
2. I am stuck. Although I can provide for myself and Abby (except for medical insurance!) and have moved up, I am feeling rather stuck and super unappreciated or recognized for accomplishments that go beyond what other's are doing. Most people my age with my experience are already and have been EDs. As my mom said, “Marnie, I cannot pray any harder.” 
3. I am stuck in Kodiak. The cost of living is ridiculous with no options for improvement. Everything I have is 11 years old. I finally have purged most of my clothes and shoes from ten years ago, but my microwave, sweeper, dishes, crappy falling apart broken furniture, TV, everything, is 11 years old, except the oven I have paid for 10 times over in the apartment I have paid for (abo. $158,000) that is not mine because I rent, it is from 1977. Everything smells, dusty and grimy. Granted, I love the beaches. I love WWII stuff. But I have seen it all. I am also stuck with people I can’t relate to.
4. My cars are from 1996 and 1980. Both are working for now. Neither one will work in the cold. It’s almost winter huh? Dang.
5. Abby’s dad is homeless! Kodiak housing market. Hard to find housing. Those who are not super on the ball have this happen to them. He is not alone I assure you. Most other people here though have family to live with.
6. My friends are stuck. Brilliant people, stuck. While dumbasses prevail. In the last few years I have seen budget misinformation, mismanagement of human resources and projects, poor work ethic, minimal accomplishments, etc. etc. Moreover, these so-called leaders have been rewarded for their disservice.
7. I am keenly aware of what people, like you and me, are capable of. Just look at the WWII era. I have always understood atrocity and tragedy. It’s why I have always been reserved. Perhaps it is because I can place myself in people’s shoes. I keep thinking of this one girl, maybe 19, who left against her parents’ wishes to some beach town, Myrtle Beach, Miami, Idk. Some guys convinced her to go out and they abducted her, raped her. I can imagine that all she could think of is how much she wanted to go home. She would do anything just to be able to go home to her parents, her dog, whatever. She tried to escape. They shot her and fed her to alligators. Or what about the jogger who had clumps of grass in her hands, trying to desperately maintain her life. Ya, didn’t work. I tell Abby these things. She looks at me with her divine eyes and cannot understand how it can be that there are people, I average it out to about 1 in 10, who could easily and without remorse harm you. I worry for Abby. I also realized recently that she will have no family when she is older, or very little. We will all be dead or very old. Me, grandmum and dad, her dad, her great aunts, etc. by the time she is my age.
8. People I care about have been hurt. In one week I found out about my dad’s surgery, one person who I greatly admire is dying, and two others their spouses left them, lied to them. Literally no warning up and left. This alone has absolutely jaded me beyond my previously cynical state. What Mrs. Z did to Mr. X, who I think is one of the nicest people, is incomprehensible. It has blatantly reinforced that you just don’t know people. And yes, your actions define you. If you deliberately lie and mislead someone, then you are an immoral person. I mean, it may have been fun have a Schnapps with Hitler back in the day (he was a dynamic orator), but you know he’s a murderer, so would you? Uh no. So although the offenders are not as heinous, if we apply general ethical principles, would you give your prized game meat to someone who lied to you, your house key, bend to their whim? The answer should be “no”.
9. I am still annoyed. I ultimately did not do things such as those cited in the above, (lie, cheat) but was punished nonetheless as if I did. And life has moved on, and as Abby says, I shouldn’t avoid them, just because I don’t like them. Lol.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzjJMP4Psbk
10. My cat died one year ago. It’s hard to miss something that you can't have anymore.

 Reasons why I am elated:

1. I have Abigail. Truly a child of God she reminds me every day how lucky I am. I would be lost without her though. And I will have to deal with that too eventually. I pray that she gets to be a vet/illustrator like she wants to be. I hope she finds good people, as they are rare.
2. I know that there are peeps who love me. 
3. I can move and walk. I do yoga every day and can do the plow. Earlier this year my back hurt too bad to do the plow. It made me cry. So for now, I am not crippled. I also swim about 2-3 times a week, which I am massively enjoying. I realized I liked swimming a couple years ago, but then stopped, but recently we have been going very regularly for the last two months. Similarly, I can see. Apparently they may be able to do something about my eyes when I am old.
4. There is a comfort in routine. It can be limiting, but I am good at it. Abby has had wonderful teachers, she gets to go to the Mission after school where she does art, chapel, build forts, horseback riding and caring for baby goats. There is dance and of course the pool. I really need access to a pool wherever I live, if I ever get to leave Kodiak.
5. Abby and I are doing pottery again. 
6. I enjoy learning more about WWII history. I read and watch and look almost every day, despite the fact it can be quite painful. I think if people could comprehend even a fraction of what transpired there would not be as much violence in the world. There was enough for many generations over.
7. I have a fat one-eyed cat and skinny old one.
8. For every terrible thing on earth, there is something far more beautiful.
9. I can handle quite a lot and am thankful for the strength. Because of challenging experiences I am more inclined to be grateful for what I have. I can be bitter at times, but generally overcome the feeling. “To despair is to turn you back on God.”
10.  Help me fill in the Blank_______________________________
11. Did I mention swimming?