Funny, don't we all have photos like this of ourselves? 

This new digital generation will not, unless they Photoshop it!

Shawen's most shameful memory.

Oh look, Abby with an exotic Kodiak cat.

Abby's third Birthday.

Noooo, that's just daddy!! Told you so. You look like your daddy!

Let's see, re-write the colls. management policy and accreditation self-study, work on NAGPRA (actual handling again), or move files? Wow, screaming headache. On the other hand, I know I am not wasting my time. Once again, we have been patted on the back. The IMLS has used one of grant applications as an example of good grant-writing. The AM is known for professional development and implementing the highest of museum standards. I am proud to be a part of such an organization.

Autumn Oct. 1981 - Mom and I, I remember this day

Leist family

Jim Jones goddess

Did I write about the time when the photography club I was in went to the birthplace of Jim Jones? Uh, ok. That's where the "bait" pics of me where taken.

Clair

I guess I should explain that Shawen and I did try to separate. We live apart. We came up with schedules of when we would have Abby when, but things like, oh, me hurting my back and him taking care of me for a weeks happens, etc etc etc. And after.... after....I just gave up. It wasn't worth fighting about. The only way for us to be separate I think is to be in different states or cities, but, a little hard here eh? And no way Shawen would let me take Abby away, he would miss her too much, and I couldn't do that to her because she loves her daddy. And I don't want to go to court....and list goes on. Oh, and Shawen is a fabulous father! Really, like the best.
So, I guess in a way I get to have my cake and eat it too.

Let's see, getting off work on Friday, I took Abby on a stroller ride and then went to a silly girl sell-something party (e.g. Pink Papaya facials), which actually, I have come to enjoy (?!), and then sat at home alone (first time Shawen had Abby at his new house alone it seems) reading Breaking Dawn, which is hilarious. However, until now, I didn't remember doing any of that! I think my headache had consumed me by that point. Work, work, work is all I felt like I did.

An average weekend - Abby and I went to the beach, went on two back-pack walks, cleaned the house (laundry, swept, dishes, recycling, pick up lots of stuff on floor that Abby drops, etc.), and, oh wait, it was not an average weekend! I am not sure if I can relate the experience fully, but will work on it. It was WEIRD! I just happened to be there, was planning on going to beach, but it was raining. It did not occur to me that my presence would be so harmful. And I want nothing, but to be able to volunteer.

I can say that I have learned that I am not a good judge of character as I always thought. I am not apt to discern who is my friend and who is not, and who is sane and who is NOT. And, I have officially accomplished a complete moral inventory. I have considered everything I have said or done within the past year, if not going back further. I feel like I am growing and improving as a human.

And why the hell is everything Swedish today? Swedish film (Frederick och Fanny), Swedish music on the radio, and Swedish meatballs for lunch - oh come on, give me a break here!

Yes, Shawen can be mean sometimes. Shawen started emailing me a few months ago. His emails reflect how he often and more regularly behaves, but can it make up for the repeated offences?

March 20

I know when you’re sad; I know when you’re blue.
When I ask you, you tell me it's not true.

I think of why I love you, I do not know what to say.

All I know is I do and I can count the ways.

I love it when you’re happy.

I love when I see it in your eyes.
I love you know what and I LOVE to surprise.
I love your commitment to work,
Even though it makes you come unglued.
I know you’re a great mother,
So do not be sad but have faith

For there is more in store if you can only wait…

If I could make you happy I surely would you know.
If you can only try

Please do not leave me for that would make me cry.
I have done much to change

And more changes I must do.
So all I ask is for you to wait

To hope and pray for love.
Summer is coming and the air smells of spring

When I see a bear

I hope you will always be near...

February 27

When I see you smile, It makes me smile,

When I see you laugh, it makes me happy,

When I see you love, it makes me love,

When I see you c^#, it makes me want to c^#,

I find you attractive, I think you are smart,

I think you ARE the hottest women I have met.

I love and need you Marnie, I want you to be happy and enjoy life. I am sorry I am jealous, mean and crazy. I want our daughter to have all the strengths we do not posses, and I know she will if just work on ours. The first night you were here it was wonderful. I want that all the time. I know why I am addicted to you.

I will always Love you,

Your baby’s Daddy.

February 10

How to proceed....

You want to go someplace with me and Abi.

I would like that, I would like to have a wonderful time Valentine's day with you and her. I want all or nothing Marnie, either there is a chance to get back together, or we must find a way to stop. I can't snuggle with you without my feeling of wanting, loving and being happy with you. I can have sex without that though ;-). But that has to be the rough, fixated and driven animal sex. Me likey!!!!! But the tender caring about you kind hmmmmmmm.

I never slept so good as with you, It still seems to be "right". So let’s get together and see if we can make it work...

I will not tolerate being used.(without some sort of sexual act as a reward).

I am working on my resentments and fears.

I will be more caring and be empathetic to your needs.

I will try to give you more free time.

I will be more loving to you.

I will preform even better in bed. (Think you get emotional now?).

I will work and earn money to help with our bills and Abigail . (I think me getting this place and going to college proves that).
I will not be so negative towards you.

I will lose weight and get in shape.

I will maintain my health and sobriety.

I will not criticize your mother (too much).

These things I WILL do if you will try to love me again. We have had 11 years together I know no one else. I look back on our pictures together, I have seen you happy MANY times and I know you will be happy again.

Do you mind, I'm trying to get ready for work?!

It would have been nice if Shawen wasn't mean to me this morning. It would be nice if I didn't have a raging headache right now. Despite today's anxieties, and my complete inability to think at this moment, I am resolved to be hop hop happy.

This was last Oct or Nov. I used to hold Abby after her bath to brush her teeth. We would play silly games in the mirror (she would brush her teeth longer). I don't hold her anymore :( She's a big girl! I need to find a mirror that we can actually see each other in so we can still play silly games.

Very Alaskan images! The slides were taken by an Alutiiq bear guide/fisherman/whatever else he did back in the 1960s, 70s. By happy chances, Nekeferoff's extensive slide collection is at the Alutiiq Museum, along with many other very cool photo collections. Creating finding aids and improving storage for photos is one of the many projects the curatorial staff is working on right now.

Check out the old dive gear!

Who's yo momma, lil ringlet choco mouth gal?

Pinching myself, forgot to wear green. First time in my life.

Hard to see, but he has one green eye and one blue eye. He is deaf.

Above is my latest piece. What, I am averaging about one every six weeks?! I need to step it up for sure. It' s just Abby goes to bed so late, I haven't been doing it at night, and on Sunday and Monday when she takes a nap, so do I! So, that's leaves.......when???

My inspiration came from a dream. I was thinking less time involved (in the dream I had to make a pot fast for a competition), simple and dramatic. All turned out, although not sooo much on the less time part. I should include a scale, it is about 14 inches high. Remember, the underglaze gets glazed over.

The next piece I will be making is Lucky's urn. Poor boy has a cancerous growth on his ear (not seen above). Apparently, it is a quick growing cancer as it has doubled in size in the last few weeks. I thought he had months to live, but I don't think so.

Did I relate his story previously? Well, he was rescued, as in re ran into Shawen's house and collapsed in the middle of winter. Shawen nursed him back to health. He and Shawen's cat, Venus, fought, and Lucky when healthy, was seemingly annoying, so somehow I got him. Of course, he and Venus live together peacefully now. Anyway, he's lived way longer than I ever thought he would. He's had a good life stuffing his belly full of tuna, sneaking out on the porch when he can, and laying in the sun whenever it appears.

This week Carson, my dad's sister's husband passed away. I fondly recall all of the Howard family's get-togethers. Holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and Fourth of July - we would get together and eat, chat, sometimes an after-feast snooze, and then dessert and chat some more. Carson was always congenial and happy. His amiable and easy going ways made the visits relaxing. No fuss, just sit out on the picnic bench (when in summer), eat venison, talk about mushroom hunting, and eat Donna's yummy potato salad and peach cobbler.

I forgot to mention how insanely cute Abby is. Tickle tickle tickle and tickle again.

I was sitting here typing to Pink Floyd, but now that has been switched to Ni Hao Kai Lan. No surprise, Abby rules all.
We just took a backpack walk from my place to Shawen's. The three block walk was rather enjoyable, despite the snow. Funny, winter has begun in March! (Winter - defined as snow or ice on the ground that remains for more than 24 hours). Despite the apparent confusion of our weather, one thing is for certain, light has returned. It did not get dark till after 8:30pm. So, despite the precipitation in the form of white fluffy annoyance, in my mind, non-winter is around the bend. I dreamed last night of beach and playground time. Hopefully I can walk to the playgrounds.
On that note, I am recovering. I think the combination of knowing how to treat my injury and my physical strength has helped. I am not doing any forward or backward motions, but am trying to slowly get back to normal. I will not even attempt a forward bend until I am removed from taking pain relief. It seems that after eight hours, I am ready for some ibuprofen. I keep reminding myself it has only been two weeks. I am happy that I can walk a meager distance, work, etc.
Work I shall not comment on, except to say the next two weeks will be unenjoyable. Frustrating tasks for accreditation I thought were well behind me have popped up again.
Yesterday we went to Kori's birthday party and to church. Church has done me wonders, even if I cannot hear a thing and am in the playroom with Abby. I sit and read the Bible or read to Abby the educational children's books they have. I wish I would have learned many of these lessons a long time ago. For example, in Mathew, a question that was burning in my heart, and the outright doubt in my soul was sending me straight to hell for certain, was answered. It was a confusion that I could not find the answer to by my own accord, in therapy, or by anywhere I sought, but was answered by one sentence in the Bible. It has directed my salvation and healed the desperation that inflicted me. Of what I speak is between God and myself and there it shall remain.
Also in Mathew is a parable where the clerics or authorities criticize the apostles for not washing their hands before they eat, saying they are unclean. Jesus clarifies that it is not the act of washing that makes one clean, but one's cleanliness is determined by the words that come out of one's mouth. For what comes out of the mouth is directed by the heart. I have never thought myself as mean, but reflecting on many actions I realize that some behaviours do not truly reflect the inside. While I can improve myself with recent enlightenments, it is too little too late.
The books I read to Abby covered such topics as "overdoing it" (eating too much, spending too much time with someone or in one place), "gossiping" (speaking badly of your husband to your family and friends is most definitely gossiping), and being "selfish".

I finished reading Pride and Prejudice, enjoying it immensely. I found but one fault at the very end, and while it vexes me, the intensity the book overshadow this minor fault. For Austen reveals the deepest of inner thoughts and interactions amongst potential loves, family, and friends, so much so it is at times uncomfortable reading. I feel like I should not be privy to such conversations or thoughts! They are so personal and so revealing of human nature. it is much to comprehend and deserves a re-read.
I began Breaking Dawn, the final instalment of the Twilight saga. The first chapter evoked such emotions, from laughter to ache. The other night when I was drifting to sleep, Shawen turned to me and asked if I was ok. I did not understand, and he explained I was breathing funny. I did not realize my breath was agitated, but knew of what was in my mind. I find it so funny how many of my acquaintances have read these books. I think is it over the top silly, and to think a genius read them, funny.

Sharing the sentiments of a friend:

Sometimes if you just tell the truth and don't play games with someone it would be a much kinder way to handle your life!!

Yes, what goes around does come around.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKPC-T3jjRg

I know you'll never watch this.....

I am not a radiologist, but I think the bulge is clear, and may not be as bad as I think (???). It APPEARS that it is not ruptured, which would be good news, if that is the case. So, going from doing intermediate yoga to not being able to walk, no big deal right? Urg.

Opinions?

I asked her to model her dress, she just wanted to show her belly!

Someone looks like her daddy, but daddy says he's not that cute!

I recall the first winter I was here there was a storm with 80 mile (or was it 90?) an hour gusts that toppled trailers, dumpsters, broke a lot of windows, and trash cans were flying everywhere. I never did find mine.

20 toys

I had an MRI today. The explosion that was once my disc is clearly pictured. I am so depressed, I feel sick. Even with surgery, which I don't want to endure as I would be off work for six weeks (Like I have six weeks worth of money saved or there's anyone to take care of Abby or a capable doctor in Alaska !), it doesn't matter, my disc has been comprimised. I guess it would take away the pain, then I will just be lucky enough to feel my vertebrae grinding together, since at the age of 33, I have a squished disc.

Pain, like screaming at the top of your lungs pain. My whole body spasmed and shook. Lots more pain meds and muscle relaxers helped with that, but I assure you that I can only imagine a few more painful things that could happen to a person, and I pray I never have to endure such wretchedness again. Five days later, with constant meds, I can sit for a bit, stand for a bit, and pretend smile at Abby.
Did you walk anywhere today? Drive a car? Perhaps go to the store, THANK GOD. Seriously, the little things seem so much more valuable to me after all that has transpired, whether it be to my own failings or unexpected hell. And now, I don't think I will stress out about anything.
Shawen and I were talking how we sometimes feel like Job. Not only has he taken care of Abby and I this week, but he had a wisdom tooth pulled and some other pain I won't describe.
The funny thing is, neither anticipated this week. I was just happily going about the days - happy to be with Abby, happy that Shawen is generally being nice, happy to go swimming, happy to get an US magazine - then bam, bye bye everything I thought would be. Missed work, no exercising for at least six weeks, more bills coming, and the realization that I will be living with this for the rest of my life - I may be in excruciating pain at any time. Talk about being tested.

Well, I guess swimming is out. Hurt my back. I have no idea how, thus, I can only attribute it to the exertion of swimming. This will be my position for the next few days. Woe is me.