Reasons why I am depressed (keep in mind this has been many years in the making):

1. I am missing my parents and family. My dad is going to have to have his knee replaced, right after retiring (finally). So instead of (finally) getting to do things he wants, he gets to have surgery. Still waiting for my mom, who works third shift and first shift to stop working. I of course at the age of 40 have no retirement plan. Likewise, my aunts could use some TLC. I have missed a lot these last ten years and want to be closer before we all die!
2. I am stuck. Although I can provide for myself and Abby (except for medical insurance!) and have moved up, I am feeling rather stuck and super unappreciated or recognized for accomplishments that go beyond what other's are doing. Most people my age with my experience are already and have been EDs. As my mom said, “Marnie, I cannot pray any harder.” 
3. I am stuck in Kodiak. The cost of living is ridiculous with no options for improvement. Everything I have is 11 years old. I finally have purged most of my clothes and shoes from ten years ago, but my microwave, sweeper, dishes, crappy falling apart broken furniture, TV, everything, is 11 years old, except the oven I have paid for 10 times over in the apartment I have paid for (abo. $158,000) that is not mine because I rent, it is from 1977. Everything smells, dusty and grimy. Granted, I love the beaches. I love WWII stuff. But I have seen it all. I am also stuck with people I can’t relate to.
4. My cars are from 1996 and 1980. Both are working for now. Neither one will work in the cold. It’s almost winter huh? Dang.
5. Abby’s dad is homeless! Kodiak housing market. Hard to find housing. Those who are not super on the ball have this happen to them. He is not alone I assure you. Most other people here though have family to live with.
6. My friends are stuck. Brilliant people, stuck. While dumbasses prevail. In the last few years I have seen budget misinformation, mismanagement of human resources and projects, poor work ethic, minimal accomplishments, etc. etc. Moreover, these so-called leaders have been rewarded for their disservice.
7. I am keenly aware of what people, like you and me, are capable of. Just look at the WWII era. I have always understood atrocity and tragedy. It’s why I have always been reserved. Perhaps it is because I can place myself in people’s shoes. I keep thinking of this one girl, maybe 19, who left against her parents’ wishes to some beach town, Myrtle Beach, Miami, Idk. Some guys convinced her to go out and they abducted her, raped her. I can imagine that all she could think of is how much she wanted to go home. She would do anything just to be able to go home to her parents, her dog, whatever. She tried to escape. They shot her and fed her to alligators. Or what about the jogger who had clumps of grass in her hands, trying to desperately maintain her life. Ya, didn’t work. I tell Abby these things. She looks at me with her divine eyes and cannot understand how it can be that there are people, I average it out to about 1 in 10, who could easily and without remorse harm you. I worry for Abby. I also realized recently that she will have no family when she is older, or very little. We will all be dead or very old. Me, grandmum and dad, her dad, her great aunts, etc. by the time she is my age.
8. People I care about have been hurt. In one week I found out about my dad’s surgery, one person who I greatly admire is dying, and two others their spouses left them, lied to them. Literally no warning up and left. This alone has absolutely jaded me beyond my previously cynical state. What Mrs. Z did to Mr. X, who I think is one of the nicest people, is incomprehensible. It has blatantly reinforced that you just don’t know people. And yes, your actions define you. If you deliberately lie and mislead someone, then you are an immoral person. I mean, it may have been fun have a Schnapps with Hitler back in the day (he was a dynamic orator), but you know he’s a murderer, so would you? Uh no. So although the offenders are not as heinous, if we apply general ethical principles, would you give your prized game meat to someone who lied to you, your house key, bend to their whim? The answer should be “no”.
9. I am still annoyed. I ultimately did not do things such as those cited in the above, (lie, cheat) but was punished nonetheless as if I did. And life has moved on, and as Abby says, I shouldn’t avoid them, just because I don’t like them. Lol.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzjJMP4Psbk
10. My cat died one year ago. It’s hard to miss something that you can't have anymore.

 Reasons why I am elated:

1. I have Abigail. Truly a child of God she reminds me every day how lucky I am. I would be lost without her though. And I will have to deal with that too eventually. I pray that she gets to be a vet/illustrator like she wants to be. I hope she finds good people, as they are rare.
2. I know that there are peeps who love me. 
3. I can move and walk. I do yoga every day and can do the plow. Earlier this year my back hurt too bad to do the plow. It made me cry. So for now, I am not crippled. I also swim about 2-3 times a week, which I am massively enjoying. I realized I liked swimming a couple years ago, but then stopped, but recently we have been going very regularly for the last two months. Similarly, I can see. Apparently they may be able to do something about my eyes when I am old.
4. There is a comfort in routine. It can be limiting, but I am good at it. Abby has had wonderful teachers, she gets to go to the Mission after school where she does art, chapel, build forts, horseback riding and caring for baby goats. There is dance and of course the pool. I really need access to a pool wherever I live, if I ever get to leave Kodiak.
5. Abby and I are doing pottery again. 
6. I enjoy learning more about WWII history. I read and watch and look almost every day, despite the fact it can be quite painful. I think if people could comprehend even a fraction of what transpired there would not be as much violence in the world. There was enough for many generations over.
7. I have a fat one-eyed cat and skinny old one.
8. For every terrible thing on earth, there is something far more beautiful.
9. I can handle quite a lot and am thankful for the strength. Because of challenging experiences I am more inclined to be grateful for what I have. I can be bitter at times, but generally overcome the feeling. “To despair is to turn you back on God.”
10.  Help me fill in the Blank_______________________________
11. Did I mention swimming?

ongoings

 I am not super good about posting all the things we do on a day-to-day basis in Kodiak.

 Such as the chicken shoot at the library.

 Or the 500th time we have eaten sushi and udon and eaten it too fast before I take a picture

 The rodeo

 Our one summer day

Abby's dad's B-day. He wants to live long enough to see her graduate high school.

 This cool ship that was in the harbor...

 

 

And oh btw we adopted another cat. He is very old and we are giving him a home in his final days.

 

Uploading

 

 

 

 

 "Mom, you don't need to take a picture. You have a brain. You can remember," says Abby with a clam macaroon.

"

 

 

Surprisingly, or not, my WWII explorations took me to the beach, just below the gun mounts on Buskin Hill.

 

 

 

From the GIS I spotted the unnatural formation.

Right between gun mounts 1 and 2 and Puffin Is.

 

Patrick says there is one by Cliff Point too. There used to be gravel fill. It was used for unloading equipment from watercrafts to the beach. No need for returning equipment by this rock pier though. Just push the bulldozers off cliffs for fun.

 

One of my favorite views, if not my fav, looking towards Barometer.

Firsts

Our trip to see grandmum and granddad was a trip of firsts, and for most "firsts" I did not capture images.

Yes, this is the assembly of Model T

 

many firsts were punctuated by WWII, I would say six degrees of Kevin Bacon, but more like one degree

Thomas Edison, Menlo Park office, rebuilt in Greenfield Village, MI. This building also reconstructed in Wright Dunbar, Dayton, OH, where my parents live.

 

The Wright Bros. home, moved from right around the corner from where my parents live. A reconstruction is across the street.

My mom got an extra special tour of the upstairs.

 

Have I given the spiel about how Orville's 38 minute flight at Huffman Prairie in OHIO is what made flight viable?

Granddad and Abby spent days doing this puzzle, mainly granddad!

A plethora or Ohio bricks in the neighborhood too!

Abby's half-brother Shawen Jr.

 

 P-38

 

 The smell of WWII

 

 Presidential airplanes, FDR to Kennedy

 

 Decisions

 

 FDR, National Air Force Museum, Dayton, OH, new wing

 

 First satellite, yep, the little thing

 

 Go Jimmy!

 

 The DeutscheV-rocket

 

 Even in Urbana!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swimming in Lake Michigan! Dunes National Park is amazing.

 

I heart the bean!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Sw61oITuts
In the belly of a whale, in gives my heart great joy to see your eyes filled with fear, so lean in close and I will whisper the last words you will hear

The List?! All Abby's firsts, well most as I recall:
Greenfield Village
Car wash, the kind you drive though
canoeing
thunder storm
by herself with grandmum/dad when I went to NC
water park
Dayton Dragons game
Lion King the musical
WHIO newsroom, anchor chair
Veterinarian behind the scenes, Abby is going to be a vet
Chiropractor, she was out of whack
Lightning bugs
Dunes National Park
Chicago Art Institute
Hancock Tower
Ohio Caverns