Vanity will get you every time.

A cherished three minutes at Mission Beach. The rest of the day was extremely hectic.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11.

Uh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11?

Where's the 10?

Well, prepare to change your way of thinking, because in Abbyland there is no 10. I have reiterated that it goes 8, 9, 10 everyday for a month, but oh no, no 10. So, no longer will we have ten fingers and ten toes, ten year decades, Ten Days of Repentance, and just throw your dimes and $10 dollar bills away. October will no longer be the tenth month. The Prime Minister will no longer live at 10 Downing Street. I guess we can forgo the 10th commandment and the rules to Blackjack will have to be changed. Abby rules all, so adjust your thinking now. Start teaching your kids the new way to count, and if you really want to throw those bills away, just put them in my garbage can.

Kept

Peter Peter kept his wife very well in a pumpkin shell.

Keeping one's S.O. happy is important. For me, logically, kids are no. 1, S.O. would be no. 2 (ha ha), followed by family, friends, and co-workers.

Now, my situation is not unique, but perhaps varied from the conservative norm. Keeping baby's daddy at bay is a must, and I have the tools on hand, or in my rear pocket, to do that :)

Co-workers are my friends pretty much. I have all of three people that I consider to be friendly acquaintances outside of work. Keeping them happy is good. Makes daily life better. I gave them all Christmas gifts year (votives), forgoing unfortunately my own parents!

While I can understand keeping your S.O. happy, or just keeping them, is critical, I don't think I would let Shawen influence me enough to abandon my co-workers or friends. Who I choose to keep close has come under serious scrutiny, yet, I have not wavered just to keep peace. Why? Why would I tolerate ridicule, if not outright torture, when I could just disregard someone, and perhaps keep friends that he approves of (not sure who that would be!)?

W e l l, I will think about this. For one, do I want to be kept or whipped?

Take all baggage, yes, but at what price? At the expense of losing yourself and hurting others? Hmm.

Speaking of work, I have been inventorying objects from the Russian Orthodox Church. I don't actually do this kind of cataloging work very often (I oversee cataloging usually, not do it), and I have found that my vocabulary for describing many of the unidentified objects has been lacking. I have been googling a lot to figure out what the fragment of the Orthodox doohickey is called. Sometimes I am looking up simple words because I trying to remind myself of more specific terms, for example, I am trying to remember mandorla so I look up halo (I already knew this one, but you get the idea).

What pops up when I am searching is hilarious. For icon bag, pictures of bags with icons on them, like the Mac Apple or a Gucci bag. For halo, of course the video game! Obviously, people are not wearing icons and praying anymore, they're too busy shopping and virtually shooting stuff.

Smiling Bob

Here's some "Smiling Bob" poses from the museum. Me with heavy implements and Jill with extremely large phallus - I think you should get the idea that you should not mess with this bunch of museum workers. We're ready to get it on, in one way or another......

Abby was sick on Sunday. It was the first time she's thrown up (that she knows about). The look on her face, the sheer surprise of what was happening to her, was hard to watch. "Oh my baby!" She sat in my lap all night, with her hands resting in mine. We were doing that at church earlier and she liked it. So later that night when she was sick it brought her great comfort, our fingers intertwining, her skin so soft (and sticky). I will never forget her little hands in mine.

Sunrise, sunset.

Sunrise, sunset.

Repeat.

I have to do something with all of these sunset photos. I don't know why I have so many. It's like trying to explain why I have "pick-crap-up-from-the-beach-itis". I guess coming from Ohio beach crap is exotic to me, even after four years. I tell myself every time I will not pick up "trash" from the beach, e.g. shells, beach glass, weird plastic pieces, spent rounds, more shells..... but they're iridescent pink snail shells.....stop! Ah.

Today, I finished an Amelia Peabody Mystery, and here is a random excerpt:

From Letter Collection B

Dearest Lia,

Do you still keep my letters? I suspect you do, though I asked you to destroy them-not only current letters, but the ones I wrote to you a few years ago. You said you liked to reread them when we were apart, because it was like hearing my voice. And I said-I'm sorry for what I said, Lia Darling! I was horrid to you, I was horrid to everyone. You have my permission-formal, written permission-to keep them if you wish. Someday, I may want-I hope I may want-to read them again myself. There was one in particular...I think you know which one.

I'm in a fey mood tonight, as you can probably tell. I've put off writing to you because there is no much I want to say that can't be said. The thought that a stranger-or worse, a person I know-might read these letters is constantly on my mind; it's as if someone were lurking behind the door listening to our private thoughts and confidences.

So I will confine myself to facts.

...........................

Here's some words I needed to brush up on:

Asperity

Duplicitous

Skulduggery

Affectation

Sententious observation

Umbrage

Sardonic look

Expostulated

Turgid prose

Deriding

Clandestine

Demur

Kunefah

Female pulchritude

Scowling visage

Persona non grata

Maelstrom of howling merchants

Tremulous with age

Vacuous, well-bread faces

Picaresque

Skulked

Meeting Ramses’s speculative, shameless curious gaze, she allowed her discreetly carmined lips to curve in a faint smile.

"I must be cruel, only to be kind." What a smug, self-righteous thing to say to someone whose heart you cleft in twain. Hamlet had always struck him as something of a prig.

I didn't even know it was a real word. One meaning is "not existing in nature or subject to explanation according to natural laws." That's how I feel - Like I can't explain or understand, and I couldn't accept (you know, there's a difference between accepting and respecting). Which leads to a lovely thought by Emerson: Intoxication is a good excuse for many aberrations. What if intoxication is because of aberrations?!

Now it's on to New Moon. I know Shawen loves this! (I am being sarcastic, hmm, imagine that.)

Speaking of, I shouldn't knock you so hard. Being caressed for an hour was rather nice. You do have mad skills. Toe curling every time. But then you make me mad (vice versa too), and any fuzzy feeling disappears.

I know, graphic posts lately (and yes, even harsh. I am sorry for that, but I am working this out in my head, and when I vomit on this electronic paper I feel better. I am aware that some of these thoughts are not right. I have little choice except to shelter these thoughts and feelings, and that's not going to happen, despite my better judgment. I am working on this, believe me, but growth is not instantaneous. I guess that is my excuse. I really do not harbor any ill will, and I am NOT trying to create any, but again, when communication has been broken, what do you do?)

So, why share all this? Well, if someone can in any way learn something (how to be, how not to be), great. I figure this is all out in the vine anyway, and I might as well present an open-minded (although one-sided) and candid perspective, rather than .......well, anyway, I would prefer to be able to work it out, but that option has been deleted.

Photo Pro

Someone got a hold of the camera. She is very artistic, following her granddad.

I love the way she concentrates when she's coloring.

She has amazing curly hair.

And so cute.

I flew to Larsen Bay today, and back. I wasn't supposed to fly there and back with only being there five minutes. What happened?

I have been trying to attend a tribal council meeting about repatriating and reburying human remains that are at the museum. The tribe (or native corp.) must request the remains back. We just can't go and rebury them, as much as we would like. So, I went there to meet face to face with the TC to facilitate the process.

I was supposed to go in Oct., but the mtg got cancelled. Same with Nov., and then Dec. I couldn't go. So I finally set up to go today. Check in yesterday, everything's fine, I get on the plane, we're flying really low, wow, this is wild, kind of nice, I can kiss the mountains, touch the trees, and taste the salt air. Oh look, what is the writing on that buoy? (We went around, not over the mtns as usual.) Then we turn the corner to Shelikof Strait. The white peaks on the water become visible, the roll of the water seems to be lapping at the wing, and the snow and wind get worse. It is white out. It goes on and on. I start to cry. It's scary. To what feels like flying aimlessly through the air in total whiteness got the better of me. Omg, I am from Dayton, home of the Wright Brothers, I shouldn't be afraid to fly!

Obviously, I make it to the ground. Once landed (I was slightly shaken, not stirred), come to find the meeting has been cancelled. While I would have liked to stay, I technically had no reason to stay, and I was worried about responsibilities and practicalities - with the meeting cancelled would work still pay for me to stay if I got stuck (I had this happen before,), Abby had to spend the night with Zoila (cost $)., etc. With people offering various advice, I guessed I was going to get back on if there was a seat, which there was. I was afraid of making a decision - one that would lead to my demise, ha ha ha, grr.

On the much more pleasant ride back to adq I pondered what village life is like and why one would live so remotely.

Generally, I think Kodiak is secluded enough for me and my quality of life is good. I can imagine being a a part of a tight knit community can have its benefits, it can also have drawbacks. I do have comps to generalize a comparison, I mean, living in for example, McPherson Town neighborhood (5 blocks by 3 blocks is it?), has some similarities (it has a unique culture, it changes through time, etc.), it's just you're not related to everyone.

Food in Kodiak doesn't come like MRE's and what's fresh is in general still so. Granted, subsistence life I think is an appealing idea, but it's also life consuming. I don't see a way to do it without dedicating oneself to it. As I flew over a home on an Island in Anton's, well, having a private beach must be fun, but, then again, would it get too lonely? Perhaps not, not with those we love near.

It's a lot to think about, I'm tired again. I do know I am not quite Alaska tough yet. I thought I was, but getting scared on the plane when there barely was a "bump in the air" (my Alutiiq nickname, thanks SDH), means not so.....Living in Alaska does take a certain character, one I hope to return to the other world when I go. Maybe I just need a good navigator through life - how easy would that be? Oh wait, I do.

Why do they call Jesus a "potter"?

Oh, several prophets pass on an analogy whereby God is the potter and we are the clay. "LORD, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand." (Isaiah 64:8).

Yeap, so be peace with you or whatever.

I have learned a great deal as of late. Today's sermon was about taking responsibility and how to do that. There are things I regret doing, saying, and thinking (pretty much as they occurred, I just have an apparent lack of moderating self-indulgence). I take responsibility for them. I can only learn and grow from my mistakes (or just simply selfishness).

Being human on earth is definitely not so bad, as least the way I have it. Foremost, I am thankful for my daughter, good health, and my job. I know my posts have been erratic, and while it unfortunately reflects my life recently (my doing, mostly), I am trying to make living better everyday.

So, I reflect on what has transpired, to try to gain some kind of understanding so I can attempt to restore my faith and happiness. The question is, what happened (some things are a blur) and why did it happen?

I know what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to turn to foam. Recall the story about the Little Mermaid who sacrifices by casting herself into the ocean and turning to foam? She did it for what was right and just, and I am supposed to do the same - to not be so consumed that one loses sight of integrity.

On the other hand, am I all to blame? Hell no. If fact, some people are more to blame than they probably will admit, recognize, or suffer for. If you shirk from doing your duty, then aren't you just as fault? Juvenile ultimatums are not healthy for a relationship, and sweetly shaming someone for being human is just as wrong as blatantly and truthfully, perhaps unbecomingly so, fighting for unbridled passion. Surreptitiously manipulating people to get whatever you want at that moment may work occasionally, although sometimes it burns bridges, doesn't it?

I realize my errors, admit to them, and ask for forgiveness.

What happens if I can't be forgiven and resentments are allowed to flourish? I mean, how should I digest that? I have been told that I can only account for my actions, thoughts, and words. It seems that the consequences to my actions are a bit harsh. I was mean and selfish. We have all be this way before, no? (I also despaired. To despair is to turn you back on God, and to share despair not only hurts the one telling it, but the one hearing it. I knew this already and still did it.)

Yesterday, on Ni Hao Kai Lan, Rintoo wouldn't forgive Tully, and Tully felt bad because Rintoo wouln't play with Tully anymore. Of course, they worked it out in the end. Nice thought. Forgiveness and understanding.

Shawen thinks that a line from Twilight should read more like.....He longingly stared at her butt with fire in his eyes.....

Typical Kodiak winter :) Sorry P&Z, I love it.

Abby really cracked me up tonight. She was just being goofy. No photos or video, but you probably already know the extent of her cuteness.

I think it would be better to take pity on this wretched and oh so very repentant soul.

I think that it must be nice, to be able to disregard another person.

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay

My, oh my, what a wonderful day.

Catchy, isn't it?

Aquatots tomorrow? Think I'll try. I thought it was a program, didn't realize it was just a time slot for the youngins. Would be nice if I had a swimsuit that fit.

Twilight excerpts

Edward was staring at me curiously, that same, familiar edge of frustration even more distinct now in his sapphirine eyes. I stared back, surprised, expecting him to look quickly away. Instead he continued to gaze with probing intensity into my eyes. There was no question of me looking away. My hands started to shake.

I looked down at my book as soon as his eyes released me, trying to find my place. Cowardly as ever, I shifted my hair over my right shoulder to hide my face. I couldn't believe the rush of emotion pulsing through me - just because he'd happen to look at me for the first time in a half-dozen weeks. I couldn't allow him to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.

I was suddenly hyperaware that Edward was sitting less then an inch from me. I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me, amazed that is was possible to be more aware of him than I already was. A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once, nearly overwhelmed me. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, balling my hands into fists. I was losing my mind.

My eyes, of their own accord, flickered to him. I smiled sheepishly as I realized his posture was identical to mine, peering sideways at me. He grinned back, his eyes managed to smolder, even in the low light. I looked away before I could start hyperventilating. It was absolutely ridiculous that I should feel dizzy.

He walked me down the hall; I turned to say goodbye. His face startled me - his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before. My goodbye stuck in my throat.

He wrapped his arms around me, running his hands down my back, the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm - like I'd been burned but didn't feel the pain yet.

Christmas gift ungifted

Right side.

Front.

Back.

I like to include fetishes inside (little pieces to decorate the

interior of the bowl when not in use).

Left side.

As you may know, pottery is an important hobby for me. It is like mediation really. Earlier this year I failed to complete a large pitcher successfully as the glaze did not turn out. I was bummed, but really it is the process I enjoy. However, it's not all about process, so I did a test glaze this time to make sure that Christmas gifts turned out. I had one in particular that was important to me. My efforts paid off, and it turned out well. However, I can't gift it.

What do I do with it? I cannot keep it - it's too painful. I can't give it away to someone as it was made for someone specifically. I wouldn't feel right selling it really. Do I smash it? Throw it off a cliff at Piedmont Point? I am not sure. No, Shawen, you may not smash it. This is the last post, I promise, or will try, but you know how hurt I am, and I do have this minor dilemma.

The grass is greener on the other side

What you see was potential happiness.

A very insightful person shared with me an epiphany that she had about her life. You know how there is an alternate universe for the various decisions we make in life; her universe is the one where the decisions have led her to be on the brown grass side. Just as in Scrooge, her alternate could be taken to see what had happened if different decisions had been made. In her case, she feels that the alternate would discover she was indeed on the green grass side, and she herself on the brown grass side. Another person commented she had grass, but it was covered with pee spots. And then a someone chimed in his was gravel, with chicken shit. It prompted me to wonder - what’s mine? I had an rough answer worked out, which was "Right now it feels like thickets and thorns....and then something about I'll get through it, it will be hard, but everything will be ok...I have lots to keep me busy...", but I have to suddenly alter it.

Shawen and I have had a long, at times turbulent, relationship. However, we seem to be working it out to be good parents at minimum, if not more. He is starting college on Monday, is getting is own apartment as soon as one comes available, which would not only help us get along, but it would solve a significant portion of my financial woes, which are at a critical level, as in I don't have money for food, electric kind of level.

I just found out that Shawen has to have surgery, now. The ulcer he was complaining about was more than a complaint. He's definitely bleeding internally and surgery awaits him asap. Shawen does not heal well due to multiple physical ailments (diabetes, etc. etc. etc.), and now him attending college and moving into an apartment seems to be hanging in the air, but if he doesn't, Abby and I will be in big trouble.

So when I need a friend to talk to the most, I don't have it because I fucked up. I saw it happening, myself failing, and I freaked out. I just needed a little time to let it be, but alas my fervor led to a traumatic and abrupt end to a friendship that meant a great deal to me, to say the least.

So I call my parents, to only hear that they are also having major financial problems. My mom has to work at a menial job where she has to stand all day. She has bad legs and is in terrible awful pain that I know any other person would not be able to endure.

So, again, here I am alone, trying not to loose my shit, thinking that I am only together, not in multiple pieces, because of my daughter.

It could be worse, right? Yes, I can think of worse, but this is really more than I can bear.

Abby can identify all of the letters in the alphabet. She loves letters.

Twilight

I just finished reading Twilight. I'll give my review in a few days.

(Something to look forward to?! I can only imagine how many hits this blog will get with commentaries about painting a kitchen and a teenage vampire love story.)

Here's a song from the movie. I like the album (I think I mentioned that already). Lykke Li is a Swedish singer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yOp3AC9_9c

I know, its hard to see, but there is color there.

Thank you Shawen for pretty much entirely painting the kitchen. He had me do the unseen parts, like behind the appliances, etc. He cut in by hand - he has mad skills.

There is also a dark green accent wall, of which a photo I will post later - exciting!

Kodiak is bello

I tell Abby she is bella (beautiful) all the time.

Prettier than this view or any such other eternally, but I have to give Kodiak its props.

Lovely gnarly spruce on Near Is.

Beach trip

If I give Shawen the camera, he just takes pictures of my butt. I could post a lot of these.

It's Elmo! At least Abby thinks so.

Christmas

Even Lucky got into the Christmas action.

Abigail has proclaimed that indeed the 48 crayons do not belong in the box, rather wherever she decides they should be strewn.

Abby doesn't really get the whole Christmas thing yet, but she LOVES opening presents. She had a blast.

Happy New Year!