The grass is greener on the other side

What you see was potential happiness.

A very insightful person shared with me an epiphany that she had about her life. You know how there is an alternate universe for the various decisions we make in life; her universe is the one where the decisions have led her to be on the brown grass side. Just as in Scrooge, her alternate could be taken to see what had happened if different decisions had been made. In her case, she feels that the alternate would discover she was indeed on the green grass side, and she herself on the brown grass side. Another person commented she had grass, but it was covered with pee spots. And then a someone chimed in his was gravel, with chicken shit. It prompted me to wonder - what’s mine? I had an rough answer worked out, which was "Right now it feels like thickets and thorns....and then something about I'll get through it, it will be hard, but everything will be ok...I have lots to keep me busy...", but I have to suddenly alter it.

Shawen and I have had a long, at times turbulent, relationship. However, we seem to be working it out to be good parents at minimum, if not more. He is starting college on Monday, is getting is own apartment as soon as one comes available, which would not only help us get along, but it would solve a significant portion of my financial woes, which are at a critical level, as in I don't have money for food, electric kind of level.

I just found out that Shawen has to have surgery, now. The ulcer he was complaining about was more than a complaint. He's definitely bleeding internally and surgery awaits him asap. Shawen does not heal well due to multiple physical ailments (diabetes, etc. etc. etc.), and now him attending college and moving into an apartment seems to be hanging in the air, but if he doesn't, Abby and I will be in big trouble.

So when I need a friend to talk to the most, I don't have it because I fucked up. I saw it happening, myself failing, and I freaked out. I just needed a little time to let it be, but alas my fervor led to a traumatic and abrupt end to a friendship that meant a great deal to me, to say the least.

So I call my parents, to only hear that they are also having major financial problems. My mom has to work at a menial job where she has to stand all day. She has bad legs and is in terrible awful pain that I know any other person would not be able to endure.

So, again, here I am alone, trying not to loose my shit, thinking that I am only together, not in multiple pieces, because of my daughter.

It could be worse, right? Yes, I can think of worse, but this is really more than I can bear.