I have learned a great deal as of late. Today's sermon was about taking responsibility and how to do that. There are things I regret doing, saying, and thinking (pretty much as they occurred, I just have an apparent lack of moderating self-indulgence). I take responsibility for them. I can only learn and grow from my mistakes (or just simply selfishness).

Being human on earth is definitely not so bad, as least the way I have it. Foremost, I am thankful for my daughter, good health, and my job. I know my posts have been erratic, and while it unfortunately reflects my life recently (my doing, mostly), I am trying to make living better everyday.

So, I reflect on what has transpired, to try to gain some kind of understanding so I can attempt to restore my faith and happiness. The question is, what happened (some things are a blur) and why did it happen?

I know what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to turn to foam. Recall the story about the Little Mermaid who sacrifices by casting herself into the ocean and turning to foam? She did it for what was right and just, and I am supposed to do the same - to not be so consumed that one loses sight of integrity.

On the other hand, am I all to blame? Hell no. If fact, some people are more to blame than they probably will admit, recognize, or suffer for. If you shirk from doing your duty, then aren't you just as fault? Juvenile ultimatums are not healthy for a relationship, and sweetly shaming someone for being human is just as wrong as blatantly and truthfully, perhaps unbecomingly so, fighting for unbridled passion. Surreptitiously manipulating people to get whatever you want at that moment may work occasionally, although sometimes it burns bridges, doesn't it?

I realize my errors, admit to them, and ask for forgiveness.

What happens if I can't be forgiven and resentments are allowed to flourish? I mean, how should I digest that? I have been told that I can only account for my actions, thoughts, and words. It seems that the consequences to my actions are a bit harsh. I was mean and selfish. We have all be this way before, no? (I also despaired. To despair is to turn you back on God, and to share despair not only hurts the one telling it, but the one hearing it. I knew this already and still did it.)

Yesterday, on Ni Hao Kai Lan, Rintoo wouldn't forgive Tully, and Tully felt bad because Rintoo wouln't play with Tully anymore. Of course, they worked it out in the end. Nice thought. Forgiveness and understanding.