I saw the movie Garden State. It had me laughing with a slight fuzzy feeling and a pinch of woe.

I have been swimming lately - twice a week for a few weeks now. Although I have been doing yoga for over a year now, that what looked like a four month preggers stomach pooch was not going away (boo hiss). In these few weeks it has shrunk to a two month pooch. Thank goodness. It's not only a great workout, but great fun. I hope baby's daddy let's me continue. He likes to admire my body, so I think he will :)

Third day of sunshine in 2010. YES, THIRD. Didn't get out in it. By the time I picked up Abby, got gas, and made it to Mission beach, the sun dipped behind Pillar Mtn.

I did learn though that Mission at low tide will be good in the evenings, I think, later this summer. Being so far north, the sun position changes drastically in the sky from winter to non-winter. In winter (which btw, we have not had winter here at all! 40 and cloudy for months), the sun does a little tiny arc super low in the sky just above the horizon (a barely discernible blip). In non-winter, the sun travels from way over from one side of the sky, to all the way to the far opposite side super high in the sky. Very different from Ohio, where although detectable, no where near as extreme.

On a different note, we had our performance evaluations at work. The first line of my eval is humorously true:

Marnie's greatest asset remains her doggedness and ability to independently tackle and complete large projects........................

Doggedness, hmm, yep.

A little deer walked through our parking lot today, in the middle of the day.

(What was it doing?!)

I learned quite a bit at today's exhibits and mount making workshop. It was hands-on experience. Most exciting - I got to play with a torch! Ok, just soldering, but still invigorating in comparison to some lackluster days.

Also, I learned more about appropriate materials to use. I already know a lot already, but the ASM guys showed pictures of exhibits gone wrong. For example, when regular plywood is used for exhibit cases how the objects on display corrode from the off gassing of formaldehyde, such as guns or an azimuth thingamabober.

The curator of exhibits also talked a lot about mannequins. I payed attention, because although making mannequins is no where on my horizon, it may be and I just don' t know it yet. I guess he's really good at paining mannequin faces, you know, like trying to make a young white boy look Japanese.

#$x%x^&x^!"^*( !!!!!!

Sultry diva?!

Clair thinks I am a sultry diva. Not sure about that, but I'll take it!

I was all of 17.

Ah, a random video of Abby being spectacularly cute - not quite! This is the fourth of four takes of this skit.

She was playing with these fabulous vintage heels and being so cute I decided to get a video. I showed her the video and she thought it was really neat that we were recording, so we did several takes. We even had lines, cues, and whatnot.

At the end where she is saying more, more, more, she is indicating she wants to review our footage and see if we need another take.

Sundays and Mondays are full of reminders. Sundays are self-explanatory. If Abby and I go anywhere on Monday, despite the fact she knows not about the days of week (she must have an internal clock), she asks. You know what she asks.
I must look like I'm a ghost when she says it. She says, "sad?" I smile and say "no, happy." She smiles back.
Still hurts.

See if you can guess which excerpt is from Pride and Prejudice, which from Eclipse, and which from US magazine:

Ever since I said goodbye to Jacob in the forest, I'd been plagued by a persistent, uncomfortable intrusion of a specific mental picture. It popped into my thoughts at regular intervals like some annoying alarm clock set to sound every half hour, filling my head with the image of Jacob's face crumpled in pain. This was the last memory I had of him.

As the disturbing vision struck again, I knew exactly why I was dissatisfied with my liberty. Because it was incomplete.

Sure, I was free to go anywhere I wanted - except La Push; free to do anything I wanted - except see Jacob. I frowned at the table. There had to be some kind of middle ground.

"I have been used to consider poetry as the food of love," said Darcy.

"Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes which is strong already. But it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I am convinced one good sonnet will starve it entirely away."

"The best possible thing you can get out of a relationship is that you're with somebody who encourages you to be...the best version of yourself."

I think the operative words above are be yourself. If you prefer vegetables over chicken, then the person should be able to accept that; if you have a compulsion to clean the sink everyday, that's ok too; and if you like to be choked out and bleepity bleep bleep, then that should be very well indeed. But hey, therapy will "fix" that right? A little mental neutering.

Pride and Prejudice is slightly hard reading. There are quite a few words and complex sentences that make me stumble. Thank goodness someone gave me a dictionary recently. I have the heavy two parts sitting by my chair, reaching for them all too often.

I read one chapter three times to understand the nuances of Darcy and Lizzie's conversation. I knew it would be important at the end. Sometimes it's the pronunciation, sometimes it's the meaning. Here's a small list from just the first 60 or so pages:

mien

effusion

propitious

implacable

iniquitous

obsequiousness

supercilious

One finds a bit of truth about human nature in Austen's work:

"Affectation of candor is common enough; - one meets it everywhere. But to be candid without ostentation or design.....is rare indeed."

Gossip bitch.

Look familiar?

Petite figure, sweet bark, will have you begging for treats,

and make you feel guilty afterwards.

And although the plane did not crash into a side of mountain, I still despise traveling by air, and have not much interest in traveling on water. I prefer Nunakuarluni, walking overland. I saw some lovely spots just north(?) of Port Lions. Of course, it was lovely from the air. ha.

Larsen Bay

I walked around the cannery for a few minutes. Pretty neat-o.

I stayed with a lovely elder couple. I stayed in one of their children's former rooms. It was kind of left the way she left it, even with the skeleton thing that freaked me out! They were really nice, and I am very glad I stayed with a family rather than at a lodge, despite the fact I did not get to banya (or shower, no hot water there). I am way too used to getting to bath daily! Really, it is an excessive luxury, but by the time I got back, I was sooo ready for a shower.

This is the old Baptist church. There used to be way more people in Larsen Bay. We have one image collection from the 1960s that shows hordes of kids at this church. Now, there are only 13 kids in the KIBSD school. In the winter, the population drops to about 50-60, in the summer it swells to abo. 400 with all the cannery workers, lodges, hunters, etc.

I asked about community events and recreation, because I go stir crazy in Kodiak sometimes. Some of the residents do seem very bored. They watch a lot of TV and play on the computer. Some of them have never been to the museum, and that bums me out. However, I made a good impression. One step at a time the museum is building trust. Having a good relationship with the community is important, and it can be difficult, but I think when people see our enthusiasm and hard work, they appreciate that, whether a staff member is Alutiiq or not.

I was really happy I got to see the Russian Orthodox church. In this pic you can see the earth (dirt/rocks) to hold the candles. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. I was there on the Catholic Ash Wednesday, which means I missed service again, but lately I have been going to the Salvation Army. I really enjoy it. It starts with singing, for which I am insistent Abby stays in the room, and then she runs back to play with the toys in the kids room. Anyway, everyone is very welcoming. One thing though is that they do not do communion, which of course being raise Catholic, strikes me as odd. I suppose it is not necessary to worship God, I am just so used to the regimented Catholic services. The Salvation Army service is way funner and much more relaxed.

Old cemetery.

Views of the cannery.

These ladies were lovely - Clyda and Annie (mom and daughter). Clyda is 90! Notice the icon corner behind them.

Again, building rapport here. Because of my visit Clyda decided to donate her archaeological collection to the museum. It will be VERY useful for the community because, as it is a family collection rather than owned by a gov. agency or tribe, we can accept it as a donation and use and share it freely. Most of the collections here on on loan to us, as our name implies - repository. Their use comes with quite a few restrictions.

Epiphany II

I saw the movie Secretary.

Abby and I chased the sun to Pasagshak, where we spent a lovely two hours at the beach. It was very high tide. I forgot to check the tide before we left. Of course there is always beach, but where I normally like to sit was under 20 feet of violently crashing waves. At one point a rouge wave almost swept Abby away, well, it felt like that when it came over the sand berm we were sitting on. It got her pretty good, but she had so many layers on she stayed dry.

Nothing like chocolate and heart stickers.

I read an anonymous Valentine message in the paper to Goku from Plarp! Just urban dictionary "plarp" and google Goku if you don't know who that is. I wonder who that is from / to? From a man to a girl of vice versa? Technically, Goku is male, but I can't imagine a girl calling herself plarp. Inquiring minds want to know. I am so nosy.

Abby and I went to the St. Innocent Academy's folk dance tonight. It was so much fun. We dance and danced. They decorated the gym so nicely it didn't look like a gym. They even had great lighting of all things (instead of the horrid gym lights).
The first 45 minutes were fun because it was just dancing, but then the dances came with 10 minute instructions, which is great to be able to learn the steps to such dances as the troika, just not for impatient Abby. By the time they got to a slow waltz Abby was over it, she just wanted to dance. We did one last fast dance and split.
It reminded me of the Greek festival back home. It also had that fun one-big-happy-family festival vibe.

Going ons

I like to read the Public Safety Blotter in the paper. For you outsiders, we actually have a newspaper. It' s not very newsy, and really I just read the comics, the Blotter, and Thursday horoscope. Anyway, yes, when you call the police or State Troopers, or whenever they do something, it appears in the paper. For example:

Thursday, Feb. 4

At 1:31am a 911 call was received about two deer in the parking lot at El Chicano. Officers determined that the deer were not posing a traffic hazard as they were on the lawn of the Kashevaroff apartments.

Ok ya'll, this is "downtown" main street Kodiak!

Mostly, the blotters are often like this:

Sunday, Feb. 7

At 5:09pm a person called to report a man exiting a store in an indecent state and urinating on himself. .............

Even more often in the summer, it is about a bear in a trash can, and unfortunately all too often, as in the case of last week's, it was mostly domestic violence.

Now, no names or mentioned, but they often describe locations and cars, and it is EASY to figure out who is involved. And of course later, if a person is charged, their name appears in the "In the Courts" section.

Life in Kodiak is indeed exciting. Can you imagine if they published this stuff in Cincy?! It would be the entire paper!

Speaking of work, as usual, there is some exciting projects on the horizon. The week of the 22nd, staff from the State Museum will be here for a mount making workshop as well as to review our exhibits, so we can assess mounting and display techniques and materials use from a conservation perspective, develop better ideas for mounting specific delicate pieces, and review the museum’s artifact rotation plan, among other things.

The ASM conservator/curator of museum services is particularly remarkable. He is always so abundantly helpful and will either have the answer to any question on hand, or will get that answer to you about pretty much any facet of the museum world. I should probably ask him the meaning of life or something, he might have that answer too.

The workshop is open to the public and we have invited other local museums. The other museums will also have a very rare opportunity to get a free review / question/answer session with the ASM staff.

We have these types of events happen all the time. I guess they are so "commonplace" for us, I forget they are not commonplace for most museums. The Alutiiq Museum is all about developing professionally. Our endeavor to be professional is one of the reasons we receive almost every grant we apply for, and we have a lot of grants, over 13 right now I believe. We also get masks from France, and a kayak from the Peabody, a $1,00,000 from the Rasmuson, and a whole bunch of stuff thanks to the alluring Dr. H. (must be the seal-like eyes, A'i ngia'aq). I think I can say with assurity that we are a prolific bunch. I think I have said it over and over again, but I get to do more and meet more people here, than I would if I got pigeon-holed in a position at the Smithsonian. That's why it's hard contemplating leaving here. Am I ready? There are positions in Am. Samoa and in OH that I have been thinking of applying for, but apparently I am not, simply because I am not ready to leave just yet, and I can't decide where I want to go - home?, Florida?, Samoa? I am not sure. So, I am staying put for now I think.

(And no, I am not breaking my arm here by telling you how great the museum is. It's not me, it's us as a team. And let me tell you what, we are all quirky. Learning to accept each other's eccentricity and getting along as a team is critical. Sometimes we blunder. I think that's human nature. Thank goodness, most of the time it all works out. Sometimes, people don't forgive, and that sucks.)

Epiphany

Happiness comes from the inside. Fun also is from the inside, not from external circumstances (like going someplace or doing something). You make it so. If you got those you love around you, then it's fun. It doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing. Somehow it took me 33 years, 3 months, and 15 days to figure this out.

I love you Miss Abby. You are very precious, and I am happy we have such a good relationship as of late. Same to you Mr. Brown, grandmum and grandads, aunts, sisters, friends, co-workers, et al.

I am scheduled to go to Larsen Bay again next week. Of course, in flight I will be a scardy cat, and if the plane should crash and I perish, for the record, I die happy and complete.

Deer burger bliss

Here's my recipe for delightful tacos or burritos. I ate four, yes four of these last night. Oink oink. I prefer flour tortillas and condiments of Martha-style salsa, "Mexican" sour cream as Safeway calls it, lettuce, a little fresh cilantro, tobasco, and perhaps a squeeze of lime. Sometimes I add jalapenos. I like guacamole, but not on my tacos, just plain on chips, with some extra lemon or lime.

Now I realize that these are a lot of ingredients. I particularly do not care for recipes that call for a lot of ingredients, because that more equals more $. However, we eat this so often and nothing goes to waste. I even freeze the leftover chicken broth to use in the next batch. Keep in mind, these days I eat what we get from the food pantry, so.....

2 tbs. veg. oil

1 small onion chopped

3 med. cloves garlic, minced

2 tbs. chili powder

1 tsp. ground cumin

1 tsp. ground coriander

1/2 tsp. dried oregano

1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper

salt to taste

1lb deer burger or at least 90% lean beef

1/2 tomato sauce

1/2 cup chicken broth

1 tsp. brown sugar

1 tsp. cider vinegar

Shawen cooks the onions in oil until clear, and then adds the spices, while in another pan browning beef. However, if using Piugta's ground deer, you can just add the deer after you cook the onions and spices. Again, brown the beef and drain off extra fat. Keep deer slightly pink and we actually added butter to fatten it up, so no need to drain.

After that add the wet ingredients. For beef, let it simmer for 20-30 minutes if you like. For deer, cook for a few minutes and remove from heat.

I feel fabulous btw. (now that I am not physically sick.) I was ill due to meds I was taking to feel better. Funny. Maybe I don't need them though. I'll see if my chipper-ness keeps up.

New Moon

Why am I posting excerpts from books? Well, I guess since this is my blog, not only can I do what I want (unless I hear otherwise), but I am chronicling for myself reminders of what it is I like, relate to, don't like, don't understand, etc.

The Twilight saga has in particular captured my attention. I had my head buried in so many history books for years, I actually have never read a novel even close to being similar before. I read as a child, skipped it except for Crowley and other weird stuff as a teen, and then went right to history, so, pleasure reading is relatively new. I don't post as many excerpts from, for example Amelia Peabody, because that is exactly what I expect myself to read - fancy language and all.

I am amazed when friends, e.g. MJ, tell me how good Twilight is. I saw the first movie, uh, ok, then saw the second, and I realized something, something about myself. I read the book, and am still amazed that this teenage vampire love story could not only be a movie, but widely popular! Hilarious. It's so over the top, even for me. To read so much angst is hard, but I kind of get it.

I can relate to the way Bella feels sometimes. She has physiological responses to Edward she can't ignore, and vice versa. Heart beating fast, uneven breathing, lightheadedness, things she can't comprehend. Without a choice, she just, falls. She can't even help it.

....................................

When he parked in front of my house, he reached over to take my hand. He touched me very carefully, pressing the tips of his fingers softy against my shoulder. "You should be in a good mood, today of all days," he whispered. His sweet breath fanned across my face.

"And if I can't be in a good mood?" I asked, my breathing uneven.

His golden eyes smoldered. "Too bad."

My head was already spinning by the time he leaned over and and pressed his icy lips against mine. My pulse was thudding in my ears. I put one hand over my heart. It drummed hyperactively under my palm.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" I wondered mostly to myself. "That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

"I really hope not," he said, a bit smug.

I rolled my eyes.

It was Jacob himself. Jacob was simply a perpetually happy person, and he carried that happiness with him like an aura, sharing it with whoever was near him. Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone was within his gravitational pull, Jacob warmed them. It was natural, a part of who he was. No wonder I was so eager to see him.

I always had nightmares now, every night. Not nightmares really, not in the plural, because it was always the same nightmare. You'd think I'd get bored after so many months, grow immune to it. But the dream never failed to horrify me, and only ended when I woke myself up with screaming.

My nightmare probably wouldn't even frighten someone else...... .......there had never been anything more than just this empty, dreary wood, and there would never be anything more for me, nothing but nothing.

I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now - if the pain would decrease to the point where I could bear it - I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure I would feel grateful for as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd asked for, more than I deserved. Maybe someday I would be able to see it that way.

But what if the hole in my chest never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible?

As if he'd never existed. What a stupid and impossible promise to make! He could never talk to me or see me again, but that didn't put things back the way they'd been before I'd met him. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition. Even my outsides looked different....But I was not beautiful, and I probably looked closer to a zombie.

Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you.

I'd been broken beyond repair.

(Charlie to Alice about Bella) "Now and then I see something in her eyes, and I wonder if I've ever grasped how much pain she's really in. It's not normal..... it frightens me. Not like someone.......left her, but like someone died." His voice cracked.

It was like someone had died - like I had died. Because it had been more than just loosing the truest of loves, it was also losing a whole future, a whole family.....

Charlie went on in a hopeless tone. "I don't know if she's ever going to get over it- I'm not sure if it's in her nature to heal from something like this. She's always been such a constant little thing. She doesn't get past things, change her mind."

"She's one of a kind," Alice agreed in a dry voice.

What a disaster. how could I have alienated him so completely in such a short amount of time?

"Can't I be friends with you both at the same time?" I asked, my voice not hiding an ounce of the hurt I felt.

He shook his head slowly.

"I do not like the way things are."

What if you sincerely believed something was true, but you were dead wrong? What if you were so stubbornly sure that you were right, that you wouldn't even consider the truth?

Time had not made me immune to the perfection of his face, and I was sure I would never take any aspect of him for granted. My eyes traced over his features........I saved his eyes for last, knowing that when I looked into them I was likely to lose my train of thought. Staring into his eyes always made me feel extraordinary - sort of like my bones were turning spongy. I was also a little lightheaded, but that could have been because I'd forgotten to keep breathing. Again.

Sick sick sick. Don't feel well.

In hindsight, I do have to add that the consequences are not totally just. Sharing feelings and being candidly honest should not be confused with being malign. I am a diligent professional and have volunteered for three years. If you can't realize my hard work and good intentions, then .......

Don't let her cute appearance fool you. Abby has most definitely hit her terrible two's. Tantrums and whining have significantly increased over the past few weeks.

Here's the latest piece I am working on. I love clay when it is leather hard. It has such a nice supple feel to it.

I really feel like I have 'somtin' going on now as far as my vision. I have my technique down (mostly), despite the fact it doesn't totally conform to what I had in mind. For example, the little sea creatures attached to the vase, in fact, the entire vase, should be very textured like this barnacle, but I have a hard time adding texture to those added pieces because I am so proud of my throwing skills - I can throw big, but I can also throw real small with my pinkies. So, once again vanity gets in the way.

New house

Shawen has a new pad, or "new house" as Abby says in her sweet little voice. It's better than I thought it would be. The kitchen's crap, and the bathroom has contact paper for wall paper, you know, the paper used to line drawers? It's, uh, very funky. Plenty of closet space for all of his tools (thanks begeez), and of course, it comes with 1979 furniture, which actually is quite functional. Oh, and the bathroom vanity and carpet throughout are very familiar, same as in my place, except his vanity is not rusted and has the deluxe light.

I saw a good kung-fu movie the other day. I normally do not get to watch movies, but power was out at work and I was sick with I guess a stomach bug, so TV veg was bliss. It was Iron Monkey.

I have another post(s) I am not posting. It involves apologies, groveling, explanations (a lot of soul searching as of late, I don't ever want to repeat loosing a friend, I've done it before, see below), begging, and quite a bit of grief-stricken prose, but for the sake of Shawen's sanity, and therefore mine, I am not posting it or any others. And really, I guess, I have to forget about the fact that my misguided admiration caused me to lose one of the major positive aspects of my life. I really miss that stinky dusty place (my dungeon away from my home dungeon), and I have more than a foreboding that I will never get to walk through the door again.

This is not the first friendship I turned to shit. I did it to Clair. And now, after God only knows how many years, Clair and I have found each other once again. I am overjoyed, yet curiously numb. Will I mess up again? I told myself no this time, and look what happened. I am three miles away and yet unfeasibly distant.

Clair is an amazing soul, and three days later I'm still kind of jarred that I could be so lucky as to be able to be some minute thought in her head.

The exhibit I curated last year, Orthodoxy in Alutiiq Life, finally made it on the museum's electronic exhibits section of the website. Thanks Amy for spending hours putting this sizable exhibit online!

See, I have worked on exhibits before, and thanks to Jill, our Exhibits Coordinator, who does like so much beyond that, the exhibit turned out beautifully. I have learned a lot about exhibit design/production by watching her.

http://alutiiqmuseum.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=703&Itemid=142

A display about Daniel Lee Harmon, an Alutiiq who died in the Vietnam War, is also online. He is a remarkable man to say the least. It's hard for me to think about it, so read it yourself:

http://alutiiqmuseum.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=612&Itemid=142

Vanity will get you every time.

A cherished three minutes at Mission Beach. The rest of the day was extremely hectic.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11.

Uh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11?

Where's the 10?

Well, prepare to change your way of thinking, because in Abbyland there is no 10. I have reiterated that it goes 8, 9, 10 everyday for a month, but oh no, no 10. So, no longer will we have ten fingers and ten toes, ten year decades, Ten Days of Repentance, and just throw your dimes and $10 dollar bills away. October will no longer be the tenth month. The Prime Minister will no longer live at 10 Downing Street. I guess we can forgo the 10th commandment and the rules to Blackjack will have to be changed. Abby rules all, so adjust your thinking now. Start teaching your kids the new way to count, and if you really want to throw those bills away, just put them in my garbage can.

Kept

Peter Peter kept his wife very well in a pumpkin shell.

Keeping one's S.O. happy is important. For me, logically, kids are no. 1, S.O. would be no. 2 (ha ha), followed by family, friends, and co-workers.

Now, my situation is not unique, but perhaps varied from the conservative norm. Keeping baby's daddy at bay is a must, and I have the tools on hand, or in my rear pocket, to do that :)

Co-workers are my friends pretty much. I have all of three people that I consider to be friendly acquaintances outside of work. Keeping them happy is good. Makes daily life better. I gave them all Christmas gifts year (votives), forgoing unfortunately my own parents!

While I can understand keeping your S.O. happy, or just keeping them, is critical, I don't think I would let Shawen influence me enough to abandon my co-workers or friends. Who I choose to keep close has come under serious scrutiny, yet, I have not wavered just to keep peace. Why? Why would I tolerate ridicule, if not outright torture, when I could just disregard someone, and perhaps keep friends that he approves of (not sure who that would be!)?

W e l l, I will think about this. For one, do I want to be kept or whipped?

Take all baggage, yes, but at what price? At the expense of losing yourself and hurting others? Hmm.

Speaking of work, I have been inventorying objects from the Russian Orthodox Church. I don't actually do this kind of cataloging work very often (I oversee cataloging usually, not do it), and I have found that my vocabulary for describing many of the unidentified objects has been lacking. I have been googling a lot to figure out what the fragment of the Orthodox doohickey is called. Sometimes I am looking up simple words because I trying to remind myself of more specific terms, for example, I am trying to remember mandorla so I look up halo (I already knew this one, but you get the idea).

What pops up when I am searching is hilarious. For icon bag, pictures of bags with icons on them, like the Mac Apple or a Gucci bag. For halo, of course the video game! Obviously, people are not wearing icons and praying anymore, they're too busy shopping and virtually shooting stuff.

Smiling Bob

Here's some "Smiling Bob" poses from the museum. Me with heavy implements and Jill with extremely large phallus - I think you should get the idea that you should not mess with this bunch of museum workers. We're ready to get it on, in one way or another......

Abby was sick on Sunday. It was the first time she's thrown up (that she knows about). The look on her face, the sheer surprise of what was happening to her, was hard to watch. "Oh my baby!" She sat in my lap all night, with her hands resting in mine. We were doing that at church earlier and she liked it. So later that night when she was sick it brought her great comfort, our fingers intertwining, her skin so soft (and sticky). I will never forget her little hands in mine.

Sunrise, sunset.

Sunrise, sunset.

Repeat.

I have to do something with all of these sunset photos. I don't know why I have so many. It's like trying to explain why I have "pick-crap-up-from-the-beach-itis". I guess coming from Ohio beach crap is exotic to me, even after four years. I tell myself every time I will not pick up "trash" from the beach, e.g. shells, beach glass, weird plastic pieces, spent rounds, more shells..... but they're iridescent pink snail shells.....stop! Ah.

Today, I finished an Amelia Peabody Mystery, and here is a random excerpt:

From Letter Collection B

Dearest Lia,

Do you still keep my letters? I suspect you do, though I asked you to destroy them-not only current letters, but the ones I wrote to you a few years ago. You said you liked to reread them when we were apart, because it was like hearing my voice. And I said-I'm sorry for what I said, Lia Darling! I was horrid to you, I was horrid to everyone. You have my permission-formal, written permission-to keep them if you wish. Someday, I may want-I hope I may want-to read them again myself. There was one in particular...I think you know which one.

I'm in a fey mood tonight, as you can probably tell. I've put off writing to you because there is no much I want to say that can't be said. The thought that a stranger-or worse, a person I know-might read these letters is constantly on my mind; it's as if someone were lurking behind the door listening to our private thoughts and confidences.

So I will confine myself to facts.

...........................

Here's some words I needed to brush up on:

Asperity

Duplicitous

Skulduggery

Affectation

Sententious observation

Umbrage

Sardonic look

Expostulated

Turgid prose

Deriding

Clandestine

Demur

Kunefah

Female pulchritude

Scowling visage

Persona non grata

Maelstrom of howling merchants

Tremulous with age

Vacuous, well-bread faces

Picaresque

Skulked

Meeting Ramses’s speculative, shameless curious gaze, she allowed her discreetly carmined lips to curve in a faint smile.

"I must be cruel, only to be kind." What a smug, self-righteous thing to say to someone whose heart you cleft in twain. Hamlet had always struck him as something of a prig.

I didn't even know it was a real word. One meaning is "not existing in nature or subject to explanation according to natural laws." That's how I feel - Like I can't explain or understand, and I couldn't accept (you know, there's a difference between accepting and respecting). Which leads to a lovely thought by Emerson: Intoxication is a good excuse for many aberrations. What if intoxication is because of aberrations?!

Now it's on to New Moon. I know Shawen loves this! (I am being sarcastic, hmm, imagine that.)

Speaking of, I shouldn't knock you so hard. Being caressed for an hour was rather nice. You do have mad skills. Toe curling every time. But then you make me mad (vice versa too), and any fuzzy feeling disappears.

I know, graphic posts lately (and yes, even harsh. I am sorry for that, but I am working this out in my head, and when I vomit on this electronic paper I feel better. I am aware that some of these thoughts are not right. I have little choice except to shelter these thoughts and feelings, and that's not going to happen, despite my better judgment. I am working on this, believe me, but growth is not instantaneous. I guess that is my excuse. I really do not harbor any ill will, and I am NOT trying to create any, but again, when communication has been broken, what do you do?)

So, why share all this? Well, if someone can in any way learn something (how to be, how not to be), great. I figure this is all out in the vine anyway, and I might as well present an open-minded (although one-sided) and candid perspective, rather than .......well, anyway, I would prefer to be able to work it out, but that option has been deleted.

Photo Pro

Someone got a hold of the camera. She is very artistic, following her granddad.

I love the way she concentrates when she's coloring.

She has amazing curly hair.

And so cute.

I flew to Larsen Bay today, and back. I wasn't supposed to fly there and back with only being there five minutes. What happened?

I have been trying to attend a tribal council meeting about repatriating and reburying human remains that are at the museum. The tribe (or native corp.) must request the remains back. We just can't go and rebury them, as much as we would like. So, I went there to meet face to face with the TC to facilitate the process.

I was supposed to go in Oct., but the mtg got cancelled. Same with Nov., and then Dec. I couldn't go. So I finally set up to go today. Check in yesterday, everything's fine, I get on the plane, we're flying really low, wow, this is wild, kind of nice, I can kiss the mountains, touch the trees, and taste the salt air. Oh look, what is the writing on that buoy? (We went around, not over the mtns as usual.) Then we turn the corner to Shelikof Strait. The white peaks on the water become visible, the roll of the water seems to be lapping at the wing, and the snow and wind get worse. It is white out. It goes on and on. I start to cry. It's scary. To what feels like flying aimlessly through the air in total whiteness got the better of me. Omg, I am from Dayton, home of the Wright Brothers, I shouldn't be afraid to fly!

Obviously, I make it to the ground. Once landed (I was slightly shaken, not stirred), come to find the meeting has been cancelled. While I would have liked to stay, I technically had no reason to stay, and I was worried about responsibilities and practicalities - with the meeting cancelled would work still pay for me to stay if I got stuck (I had this happen before,), Abby had to spend the night with Zoila (cost $)., etc. With people offering various advice, I guessed I was going to get back on if there was a seat, which there was. I was afraid of making a decision - one that would lead to my demise, ha ha ha, grr.

On the much more pleasant ride back to adq I pondered what village life is like and why one would live so remotely.

Generally, I think Kodiak is secluded enough for me and my quality of life is good. I can imagine being a a part of a tight knit community can have its benefits, it can also have drawbacks. I do have comps to generalize a comparison, I mean, living in for example, McPherson Town neighborhood (5 blocks by 3 blocks is it?), has some similarities (it has a unique culture, it changes through time, etc.), it's just you're not related to everyone.

Food in Kodiak doesn't come like MRE's and what's fresh is in general still so. Granted, subsistence life I think is an appealing idea, but it's also life consuming. I don't see a way to do it without dedicating oneself to it. As I flew over a home on an Island in Anton's, well, having a private beach must be fun, but, then again, would it get too lonely? Perhaps not, not with those we love near.

It's a lot to think about, I'm tired again. I do know I am not quite Alaska tough yet. I thought I was, but getting scared on the plane when there barely was a "bump in the air" (my Alutiiq nickname, thanks SDH), means not so.....Living in Alaska does take a certain character, one I hope to return to the other world when I go. Maybe I just need a good navigator through life - how easy would that be? Oh wait, I do.

Why do they call Jesus a "potter"?

Oh, several prophets pass on an analogy whereby God is the potter and we are the clay. "LORD, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand." (Isaiah 64:8).

Yeap, so be peace with you or whatever.

I have learned a great deal as of late. Today's sermon was about taking responsibility and how to do that. There are things I regret doing, saying, and thinking (pretty much as they occurred, I just have an apparent lack of moderating self-indulgence). I take responsibility for them. I can only learn and grow from my mistakes (or just simply selfishness).

Being human on earth is definitely not so bad, as least the way I have it. Foremost, I am thankful for my daughter, good health, and my job. I know my posts have been erratic, and while it unfortunately reflects my life recently (my doing, mostly), I am trying to make living better everyday.

So, I reflect on what has transpired, to try to gain some kind of understanding so I can attempt to restore my faith and happiness. The question is, what happened (some things are a blur) and why did it happen?

I know what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to turn to foam. Recall the story about the Little Mermaid who sacrifices by casting herself into the ocean and turning to foam? She did it for what was right and just, and I am supposed to do the same - to not be so consumed that one loses sight of integrity.

On the other hand, am I all to blame? Hell no. If fact, some people are more to blame than they probably will admit, recognize, or suffer for. If you shirk from doing your duty, then aren't you just as fault? Juvenile ultimatums are not healthy for a relationship, and sweetly shaming someone for being human is just as wrong as blatantly and truthfully, perhaps unbecomingly so, fighting for unbridled passion. Surreptitiously manipulating people to get whatever you want at that moment may work occasionally, although sometimes it burns bridges, doesn't it?

I realize my errors, admit to them, and ask for forgiveness.

What happens if I can't be forgiven and resentments are allowed to flourish? I mean, how should I digest that? I have been told that I can only account for my actions, thoughts, and words. It seems that the consequences to my actions are a bit harsh. I was mean and selfish. We have all be this way before, no? (I also despaired. To despair is to turn you back on God, and to share despair not only hurts the one telling it, but the one hearing it. I knew this already and still did it.)

Yesterday, on Ni Hao Kai Lan, Rintoo wouldn't forgive Tully, and Tully felt bad because Rintoo wouln't play with Tully anymore. Of course, they worked it out in the end. Nice thought. Forgiveness and understanding.

Shawen thinks that a line from Twilight should read more like.....He longingly stared at her butt with fire in his eyes.....

Typical Kodiak winter :) Sorry P&Z, I love it.

Abby really cracked me up tonight. She was just being goofy. No photos or video, but you probably already know the extent of her cuteness.

I think it would be better to take pity on this wretched and oh so very repentant soul.

I think that it must be nice, to be able to disregard another person.

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay

My, oh my, what a wonderful day.

Catchy, isn't it?

Aquatots tomorrow? Think I'll try. I thought it was a program, didn't realize it was just a time slot for the youngins. Would be nice if I had a swimsuit that fit.

Twilight excerpts

Edward was staring at me curiously, that same, familiar edge of frustration even more distinct now in his sapphirine eyes. I stared back, surprised, expecting him to look quickly away. Instead he continued to gaze with probing intensity into my eyes. There was no question of me looking away. My hands started to shake.

I looked down at my book as soon as his eyes released me, trying to find my place. Cowardly as ever, I shifted my hair over my right shoulder to hide my face. I couldn't believe the rush of emotion pulsing through me - just because he'd happen to look at me for the first time in a half-dozen weeks. I couldn't allow him to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.

I was suddenly hyperaware that Edward was sitting less then an inch from me. I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me, amazed that is was possible to be more aware of him than I already was. A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once, nearly overwhelmed me. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, balling my hands into fists. I was losing my mind.

My eyes, of their own accord, flickered to him. I smiled sheepishly as I realized his posture was identical to mine, peering sideways at me. He grinned back, his eyes managed to smolder, even in the low light. I looked away before I could start hyperventilating. It was absolutely ridiculous that I should feel dizzy.

He walked me down the hall; I turned to say goodbye. His face startled me - his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before. My goodbye stuck in my throat.

He wrapped his arms around me, running his hands down my back, the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm - like I'd been burned but didn't feel the pain yet.