That little motion she does with her fingers, so funny.

Abby's new pet

Move over Lucky and Venus, there's a new furry pet in the house.

Amelia Peabody again

I remembered something Nefret once said. “Is it wrong to care so much about someone that nothing else matters?” In the last extremity, when a loved one is at risk, nothing else matters. Certainly nothing so abstract as justice. It is, after all, a concept defined by men.

A woman who would accept meekly the rudeness to which he had subjected her was not a woman I could admire.

Not many new words:

Insouciant

Interpolate

Postprandial libation (oh that's funny)

Harbor Walking Tour

Above is the Kilkenny, an old wood scallop boat. Not many boats are green. I guess it's a bad luck boat color or some such. And why is the bathroom called "the head"?

On my lunch break I went to the Whale Fest harbor walking tour. It ended up being a boat tour of the harbor thanks to Marty Owen! How cool. I had always longingly looked at Sea Breeze, with its stately looking wood, thinking it would fun to take a tour on it. The boat also functions as Galley Gourmet's dinner cruise, which I have always thought about going on, and perhaps that's something that my parents and us can do this summer when they visit!

Qunukamken unguwatemnek - I love you from my heart

Whale Fest entries, last year's leftovers.

Beach find du jour.

This one sold first day of show. It's a different one, same technique, made at the same time. I like low bowls, but recent ones are more vertical so decoration will be more visible. Also have made pieces more three-dimensional. Check it out at Crab Fest, I hope.

One of my Gothic pimp cups, unrelated, just throwing it in.

I found out today that my friend has cancer. Of all the people on Earth, she doesn't deserve it. Constantly upbeat and inwardly decent and nice, it doesn't seem fair.

It makes moments like those pictured above (like just hanging out at the beach with Abby and Shawen) seem oh so much more special, and makes other people and other things seem so much more trite and shallow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3XZH6UIsE8

Nice lil' ditty.

Just turn your head.

Grooooove.

What a laugh.

Mill Bay beach, birthday party, bittersweet

Abby wanted in on the action.

Had to give the gift to its rightful recipient.

Jumping fun!

Playing doctor.

Shy.

Little hands.

Hard to get picture with squirming daughter.

At church, the sermon was about mountain top experiences, the experiences when you feel most spiritual. The first thought that popped in my head is when Gideon and I were in Hocking Hills, high up on a the ridge of a gorge, sitting in the sun, panting from hiking up there, endorphins running through us. It was very beautiful, and we were happy. So, being free to relax in the sun with those I love.....

On Sunday, Shawen dropped me off at Mill Bay beach while he and Abby went to the video store. At 9pm it was still light out, but getting dark. The waves were big and foamy, a dark charcoal, with higlights of aqua and orange as the sun was still hitting a giant cloud, which reflected on the water. There should be a disclosure like there is on mirrors, the waves appear much bigger when on the beach - a little intimidating. Just the four inches of foam that brushed my feet had some serious power to it. The south section of beach that was once rocky is totally sandy and smooth. All the rocks were pushed up against the "rock house" as Abby's calls in, into a huge five foot high pile. There were chunks of logs wedged in between and under boulders, and rocks I used to sit on are just gone - moved or buried. Monday morning it was way warmer and sunny! The huge rock pile is gone and some new rocks are exposed, but for the most part it's the same ol' beach, but still impressive to see the effects of the waves.

While my visits to Mill Bay beach were exciting, and reminded me of the forces at work, sometimes it's the little things, like going to a birthday party, going to the playground, or just reading books where I find I am content. Abby has fun, and I have fun. Watching Ni Hao Kai Lan, the same show where Rintoo wouldn't forgive Tully, the focus was "think of what you can do, not what you can't do". And although I did all the things I can do, and was content at the time, I find myself still being bitter and sad. I don't understand what I did that is so unforgivable.

Yo yo yo, Grumpy is name and fussing is my game.  

It's been a week.  A week of feeling like I have a weight pressing on my chest. But this blog is supposed to be about......  

My cat! Well, he's still kickin', but I can see him starting to slow down, so his time in near.  Soon enough I will no longer hear his impetuous mewing, but will be inflicted with his white shed fur forever.

Still looking for trouble.

Kodiak - holy cow, it's Spring?! Not warm, but light out all the hours I am awake. I enjoy hearing the seagulls squawk as they hover over the channel.  Kodiak is quiet when the wind isn't blowing.  I can hear someone's footsteps a block away (a form of measurement of someone who obviously grew up in the city).  The cool air feels good on my face, but I still need gloves and a scarf.  Abby and I have hit the playground twice already.  She loves it, and screams and kicks when we leave.

Abby is amazing.  So bella, and so hyper.

Do I need a caption for this?! 

 Perhaps you can come up with something funny....

Although the problem with niceties from Shawen is that I have to take them with a grain of salt.  For example, he took care of Abby for four days when she was sick, and I only had to take off one day of work, and that's great, but he doesn't give me poopery (pottery) time and can be a little disagreeable sometimes when I have a problem (e.g. my back hurts and I'm tured - ha ha freudian -when I'm a turd, I think I meant tired, same thing)  Too selfish am I? Probably. But the thing with pottery, is that I am actually pretty good at it and am FINALLY producing work to exhibit, and it's no totally selfish, I am making a few urns.  (Shawen later added something like - I am selfish, I am a mom, and I complain about "self" time too much. He later semi-retracted and apologized, sort of).

On the other hand, no pottery tonight, but plenty of Abby, who talks up a freakin storm - literally does not stop talking it seems - "oh my goodness" (so funny the way she says that).  She has learned sooooo much lately.  She knows shapes, with just a little trouble with rectangle.  She knows more new words than I can possibly jot down.  Tonight I managed to trim her fingernails and paint them metallic pink.

Shawen called me from Anchorage (he had to go to a specialist), and said he just called to say hi. He said that I have timeshares in his head, with entire condo complexes, and the time came and he thought of me.

Accreditation work complete!!! Well, sort of, the writing and number crunching is done, it may have to be redone later if we are not accredited, but happy to be done with it for now!  And Alutiiq ancestors are being returned to villages to be reburied. Yeah. Maybe I won't work in a room with the deceased one day.

Watching that movie made me think of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbs64GvGgPU

In the Swedish film Fanny and Alexander (I think I got the title wrong in the previous entry), it starts out at Christmas, 1906 or 1907, with of course candlelit trees.  Lighting Christmas trees with candles would obviously been the norm in 1907, and did you know it was the norm in the Howard household as well, that I grew up with candlelit Christmas trees?
In case you did not know, my parents were rehabbers and I grew up in historic homes.  The lovely Colonial Revival behemoth on the Park Dr. Boulevard was our home for most of my youth.  I am sure my mom could tell the story more accurately, but it was there we began this tradition. The man who lived in my mom's first Victorian rehab lit his trees with candles, and we likewise adopted this tradition.
Christmas trees look very different lit with candles.  Electric lights light from the inside out, where as candles light from the outside in. If you have never done this, I recommend it provided you fallow some basic rules:  The tree should be fresh and moist, you should have a fire extinguisher nearby and an appointed fire marshal, you should light from the top down, be careful not to place candles so low as they ignite dogs' tails, children, or flowing dresses, and turn out all the rest of the electric lights - it's just detracts - and enjoy.

Oh yes, and Happy Easter.

Funny, don't we all have photos like this of ourselves? 

This new digital generation will not, unless they Photoshop it!

Shawen's most shameful memory.

Oh look, Abby with an exotic Kodiak cat.

Abby's third Birthday.

Noooo, that's just daddy!! Told you so. You look like your daddy!

Let's see, re-write the colls. management policy and accreditation self-study, work on NAGPRA (actual handling again), or move files? Wow, screaming headache. On the other hand, I know I am not wasting my time. Once again, we have been patted on the back. The IMLS has used one of grant applications as an example of good grant-writing. The AM is known for professional development and implementing the highest of museum standards. I am proud to be a part of such an organization.

Autumn Oct. 1981 - Mom and I, I remember this day

Leist family

Jim Jones goddess

Did I write about the time when the photography club I was in went to the birthplace of Jim Jones? Uh, ok. That's where the "bait" pics of me where taken.

Clair

I guess I should explain that Shawen and I did try to separate. We live apart. We came up with schedules of when we would have Abby when, but things like, oh, me hurting my back and him taking care of me for a weeks happens, etc etc etc. And after.... after....I just gave up. It wasn't worth fighting about. The only way for us to be separate I think is to be in different states or cities, but, a little hard here eh? And no way Shawen would let me take Abby away, he would miss her too much, and I couldn't do that to her because she loves her daddy. And I don't want to go to court....and list goes on. Oh, and Shawen is a fabulous father! Really, like the best.
So, I guess in a way I get to have my cake and eat it too.

Let's see, getting off work on Friday, I took Abby on a stroller ride and then went to a silly girl sell-something party (e.g. Pink Papaya facials), which actually, I have come to enjoy (?!), and then sat at home alone (first time Shawen had Abby at his new house alone it seems) reading Breaking Dawn, which is hilarious. However, until now, I didn't remember doing any of that! I think my headache had consumed me by that point. Work, work, work is all I felt like I did.

An average weekend - Abby and I went to the beach, went on two back-pack walks, cleaned the house (laundry, swept, dishes, recycling, pick up lots of stuff on floor that Abby drops, etc.), and, oh wait, it was not an average weekend! I am not sure if I can relate the experience fully, but will work on it. It was WEIRD! I just happened to be there, was planning on going to beach, but it was raining. It did not occur to me that my presence would be so harmful. And I want nothing, but to be able to volunteer.

I can say that I have learned that I am not a good judge of character as I always thought. I am not apt to discern who is my friend and who is not, and who is sane and who is NOT. And, I have officially accomplished a complete moral inventory. I have considered everything I have said or done within the past year, if not going back further. I feel like I am growing and improving as a human.

And why the hell is everything Swedish today? Swedish film (Frederick och Fanny), Swedish music on the radio, and Swedish meatballs for lunch - oh come on, give me a break here!

Yes, Shawen can be mean sometimes. Shawen started emailing me a few months ago. His emails reflect how he often and more regularly behaves, but can it make up for the repeated offences?

March 20

I know when you’re sad; I know when you’re blue.
When I ask you, you tell me it's not true.

I think of why I love you, I do not know what to say.

All I know is I do and I can count the ways.

I love it when you’re happy.

I love when I see it in your eyes.
I love you know what and I LOVE to surprise.
I love your commitment to work,
Even though it makes you come unglued.
I know you’re a great mother,
So do not be sad but have faith

For there is more in store if you can only wait…

If I could make you happy I surely would you know.
If you can only try

Please do not leave me for that would make me cry.
I have done much to change

And more changes I must do.
So all I ask is for you to wait

To hope and pray for love.
Summer is coming and the air smells of spring

When I see a bear

I hope you will always be near...

February 27

When I see you smile, It makes me smile,

When I see you laugh, it makes me happy,

When I see you love, it makes me love,

When I see you c^#, it makes me want to c^#,

I find you attractive, I think you are smart,

I think you ARE the hottest women I have met.

I love and need you Marnie, I want you to be happy and enjoy life. I am sorry I am jealous, mean and crazy. I want our daughter to have all the strengths we do not posses, and I know she will if just work on ours. The first night you were here it was wonderful. I want that all the time. I know why I am addicted to you.

I will always Love you,

Your baby’s Daddy.

February 10

How to proceed....

You want to go someplace with me and Abi.

I would like that, I would like to have a wonderful time Valentine's day with you and her. I want all or nothing Marnie, either there is a chance to get back together, or we must find a way to stop. I can't snuggle with you without my feeling of wanting, loving and being happy with you. I can have sex without that though ;-). But that has to be the rough, fixated and driven animal sex. Me likey!!!!! But the tender caring about you kind hmmmmmmm.

I never slept so good as with you, It still seems to be "right". So let’s get together and see if we can make it work...

I will not tolerate being used.(without some sort of sexual act as a reward).

I am working on my resentments and fears.

I will be more caring and be empathetic to your needs.

I will try to give you more free time.

I will be more loving to you.

I will preform even better in bed. (Think you get emotional now?).

I will work and earn money to help with our bills and Abigail . (I think me getting this place and going to college proves that).
I will not be so negative towards you.

I will lose weight and get in shape.

I will maintain my health and sobriety.

I will not criticize your mother (too much).

These things I WILL do if you will try to love me again. We have had 11 years together I know no one else. I look back on our pictures together, I have seen you happy MANY times and I know you will be happy again.

Do you mind, I'm trying to get ready for work?!

It would have been nice if Shawen wasn't mean to me this morning. It would be nice if I didn't have a raging headache right now. Despite today's anxieties, and my complete inability to think at this moment, I am resolved to be hop hop happy.

This was last Oct or Nov. I used to hold Abby after her bath to brush her teeth. We would play silly games in the mirror (she would brush her teeth longer). I don't hold her anymore :( She's a big girl! I need to find a mirror that we can actually see each other in so we can still play silly games.

Very Alaskan images! The slides were taken by an Alutiiq bear guide/fisherman/whatever else he did back in the 1960s, 70s. By happy chances, Nekeferoff's extensive slide collection is at the Alutiiq Museum, along with many other very cool photo collections. Creating finding aids and improving storage for photos is one of the many projects the curatorial staff is working on right now.

Check out the old dive gear!

Who's yo momma, lil ringlet choco mouth gal?